Purely by Accident – Chapter 34
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Three days after our wedding, in accordance with the established rites, it was time for the princess to pay a formal call on the palace and pay her respects to the older women in her family. This was known as the guining ceremony. The name — it meant ‘peaceful return’ — might have a noble ring to it, but in essence it was no different from any other married woman paying a visit to her parents’ home.
Visiting the in-laws, it had to be said, was every husband’s worst nightmare. I had once come across a popular work of natural history called Animal World, from which I had learned that under the laws of nature, every beast — whether wild or domesticated — felt safest and was most competitive within its own established territory. Humans were really nothing more than beasts draped in supposedly civilised robes, running about on two legs instead of four. And so, even the meekest, most circumspect wife would swell up with superiority the moment she set foot in her parents’ home, and her degree of swagger would be directly proportionate to the quantity of riches, amount of property and number of supportive menfolk her parents’ household held. A hapless husband accompanying his wife on a simple visit to her parents could swiftly find himself the accused at the centre of a grand tribunal, with each member of his wife’s family launching their own complaints against him. Oh, what an epic tragedy indeed!
When it came to the princess, she already carried herself with a superior enough air even in what was technically my household. As her birth mother — my late mother-in-law the empress — had passed away many years ago, the main object of her guining visit was to call on the empress dowager. It was true that the memory of the old lady’s silver ingot of hair still filled me with a sense of warmth, but when I thought back on the way she’d asked me ‘Where are you from, young master? And how old are you? Are you married? Betrothed? And are both your parents living?’, smiling like a self-satisfied fox all the while, I couldn’t help fretting over how today’s visit might go. What if the old lady took it into her head to ask us such startling questions as, ‘And how have things been going once the lights are out, if you take my meaning?’ How was a fine, upstanding and above all honest youth like myself supposed to answer that?
I buried my head under the covers and let out a long sigh.
A hand reached out and twitched the covers aside. The princess, immaculately dressed in her court robes with every hair in place, was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at me. Her exquisite face seemed to glow even more brilliantly than usual, likely from excitement at the prospect of seeing her family again.
Plaintively, I brought one of her hands to my mouth and gnawed gently on it.
The princess crooked the forefinger of the hand I was holding and tapped my mouth lightly with her knuckle. ‘You’re not up yet? The empress dowager will be waiting for us, and it wouldn’t do to be late.’
‘All right then,’ I responded. Then, placing her hand under my head as I would a pillow, I rolled closer to her, pressed the tip of my nose against her thigh, and shut my eyes.
I couldn’t see her face, but the tone of her voice suggested that she must be looking distinctly nonplussed. ‘You said “all right then”, but now you’re going back to sleep? Are you really so very tired?’
I hadn’t really been drowsy, but the fragrance that clung to her had a calming effect on my senses, and her voice — so low and soft — fell very soothingly on my ears. I pressed my face even more closely into her thigh, and wrapped an arm around it at the same time. ‘Mm,’ I murmured. ‘Every time I see you, it makes me want to go to bed.’
Seeming to find this ticklish, she shifted her legs slightly. Then her motions stilled, but she didn’t reply.
A little puzzled, I exerted myself to look up at her — and saw that her eyes were bright with something very like ardour. That fluid glance met mine, stirring an answering emotion within me.
Now I was completely awake. I thought about what I’d just said — which I’d meant in all innocence, but now that I was chewing it over, I realised was capable of quite a different meaning. And judging from the princess’ expression, her own thoughts had gone very much in the latter direction as well.
My fluttering heart convulsed deliciously. Involuntarily, my hand wandered upwards to her waist, so slender I fancied I could have spanned it with one hand. Then I nudged her slightly forwards, so that she fell right on top of me. A flustered look flashed momentarily across her face — lovely enough to rival that of the fairest goddess; more than enchanting enough to capture the heart of any mere mortal — and she let out a low ‘oh’.
She was far, far too alluring.
The princess reached out and gave my shoulder a light shove. She squirmed briefly against me, but was unable to break free. ‘Wei Zisong,’ she said, her voice low and a little agitated, ‘what are you doing? Stop this foolishness at once. I’ve only just finished dressing, and now you’ve gone and made me all untidy again.’
She did, in fact, look a little untidy. Her previously immaculate coiffure was now slightly askew, and a few loose strands of hair dangled from it. They brushed against my face, and I felt them as a series of pleasurable caresses on my rapidly pounding heart.
There was enough of the hotheaded outlaw in me to make me tighten my arms further around her waist, heedless of anything else. ‘Princess, princess, I want to sleep with you,’[1] I said, grinning shamelessly.
Her lovely face burst into flames with an almost audible ‘whoosh’. She glared at me helplessly, then retorted with some difficulty, ‘You’re talking nonsense again. A nice girl like you shouldn’t— mm.’
The last part of that sentence went unsaid, because I’d leaned forward and stopped her mouth. I had absolutely no interest in her learned views on what a ‘nice girl’ like myself ought or ought not to be doing, so in a fit of frustration, I’d raised my head and captured her lips with mine.
Yes, I’m a woman, the genuine, authentic article. So what? I still want to hold you — to kiss you — to sleep with you!
All my bandit chief’s forcefulness came to the fore. I wrapped one arm tightly around the princess’ waist and placed the other firmly at the back of her neck. My mouth was busy against hers, licking and sucking — at first only a little daringly, then with outright brazenness.
Her own lips and tongue were much more tractable now that she wasn’t speaking. She let out a low sigh, then her body seemed to melt against mine. Those long, tapered fingers came up and wound themselves around my neck. Her teeth parted lightly, granting my tongue entrance, letting me demand anything I wanted, giving me everything I demanded.
I felt as if I were drowning in those tender lips.
My arms still around her, I rolled over so that I was now lying on top of her. The fire of those kisses had left me completely delirious. She looked up at me, seduction in her eyes; bright spots of colour had spread all the way from lips to her cheeks. Every single one of her breaths was sweet, and very, very enticing.
Leaning forward again, I lapped at the corner of her mouth, then allowed my mouth to wander downwards, slipping over her chin and pausing at her exquisite collarbone. The tip of my tongue traced a circle on her skin, drawing a slightly repressed gasp from her.
That sound consumed my soul entirely, and the very last vestiges of my sanity deserted me.
With a trembling hand, I reached for the silken sash that held her robes in place. Those formal court garments looked complicated, but they proved easier to undo than I imagined. Once I’d untied her sash, her robes fell open, lying lightly across the bed. I bent down and sought out her lips again, coaxing her tongue into entwining with mine. One of my hands slipped beneath the hem of her undershirt and made its way upwards — luxuriating in the smoothness of her skin the whole way — until it finally slid over the soft curve of her breast beneath her dudou.[2] That exquisite sensation drew an involuntarily ‘ah!’ from me, at the exact same time as she let out an ‘mm’, our voices echoing in perfect unison.
I drew slow, wicked circles around the tip of her breast, and her breathing became ragged. The hand she had hooked round the back of my neck slipped bonelessly downwards to press against mine through the fabric of her undershirt. She turned her head slightly towards me, and snatches of broken sentences drifted to my ears. ‘Zisong… s-stop… it’s broad daylight…’
That was a suggestive sentence indeed. I slipped my hand out from beneath her undershirt and laced my fingers tightly through hers, placing light, fitful kisses on and around her lips. ‘If we can’t do it in broad daylight,’ I asked unsteadily, ‘does that mean we can do it at night?’
She said nothing, only burrowed her head deeper into my shoulder. One of hands made its way to my waist, where she gave me a forceful pinch.
My heart nearly leaped out of my throat. Leaning close, I murmured into her ear, ‘Feichen, Chu Feichen, I love you, I love you so much…’
Someone knocked lightly on the door.
Silly Girl’s voice travelled through the door, the screen, and the bed-curtains, as much of a mood-killer as ever. ‘Your Highnesses, it’s time for us to set off for the palace, so that you can pay your respects to Her Majesty the Empress Dowager.’
Chu Feichen gave me a little shove, then put a hand over her mouth and cleared her throat. ‘All right. Go and make sure the coach and horses are ready. There’s no need for you to come in and help me dress.’
I kissed the corner of her mouth. ‘Why didn’t you tell her to come in?’ I teased. ‘Look at your hair, your clothes — you’ll have to get dressed all over again.’
She glared at me and said crossly, ‘This is your handiwork, so of course you should be the one to tidy up after yourself.’
I couldn’t have wished for anything better. I made myself sit up, still half-lost in the lingering memory of our kisses, then helped her up as well, shifting slightly so that she was leaning against me. Picking up her court robes, I began helping her into them. My heart was so pleasantly aflutter that I found myself humming a little folk ditty from my home province.
The princess leaned comfortably against me, raising and lowering her arms obligingly as I slipped her robes around her. ‘What’s that you’re singing?’ she asked a little languidly.
‘”Visiting the In-Laws”, of course! Haven’t you heard it before, princess?’ I picked up her sash and began wrapping it around her waist, humming the words of the song into her ear. ‘”With your husband in tow / With your little one in your arms / On your way to your parents’ home” … haven’t you heard it before?’
The princess gave a little laugh and shook her head.
I rocked her lightly back and forth. ‘Princess, princess, let’s have a little baby!’
Involuntarily, she let out another laugh. ‘Why not? As long as you don’t mind the peacock feather in your official’s hat getting stained with just the tiniest touch of cuckold’s green.’[3]
Hmph. I pouted, then suddenly recalled that I had a position at the Hanlin Academy — a perfect excuse for avoiding Her Majesty the Empress Dowager. ‘Princess, princess, it’s all right if I don’t come with you for the guining ceremony, isn’t it? I am drawing an official’s salary after all; it doesn’t seem right for me to be shirking my duties in this way.’
The princess turned and pinched me on the cheek. ‘I hear you historiographers at the Hanlin Academy spend all your time poring over musty ancient texts.’ She tilted her head, looking for all the world like an earnest supplicant after knowledge. ‘Would you rather keep me company or keep those books company, my dear prince consort?’
She’d phrased that question in a rather tactful way. If I reinterpreted it into more direct terms, what she essentially meant was: would you rather be a toyboy, or a fine upstanding youth?
Did I even need to think about the answer? As long as the recipient of my attentions was the princess, I had no hesitation at all in choosing to be a toyboy!
We passed through the main hall and made our way down the corridor that led to the front gates. Nowhere did we see any trace of those two rascals Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen. I gritted my teeth ferociously, smacking the end of my fan into my open palm. ‘That scoundrel Xu Ziqi! He must have dragged A-Chen off to some pleasure house or other again. Truly, a leopard never changes its spots!’
The princess watched me quietly for a few moments. Then she said, ‘This time, you really are blaming him unfairly.’
Oh? I looked over at her doubtfully.
The princess smiled at me in a particularly inscrutable fashion, the corners of her lips and eyes turning up. ‘My own manor was in need of two more watchmen. Since they didn’t seem to be doing much in the way of honest work around here, I sent them over there.’
Truly, no one who vexed the princess could expect to come to any sort of good end. But how could Xu Ziqi, that known roisterer, consent to being anyone’s watchman?
The princess smiled again. ‘I did tell them it was fine if they didn’t feel like becoming my watchmen. I also pointed out that your residence was in need of a couple of kitchen scullions to bring in the kindling and stoke the fires, and as the weather is turning cold, those were no bad chores to have either.’
Ah. A shiver ran down my spine. As I recited a silent ‘Amitabha’ for the sake of my two brothers-in-arms, I also breathed a sigh of relief on behalf of all the capital’s lovely young lasses and handsome young lads.
Xiao Hei was waiting outside the front gates, the horses’ bridles wrapped around his hand. I hadn’t seen him since the day he’d caught me slipping out of the princess’ quarters at dawn. He stood as straight and proud as ever, his head held high, looking every inch the great warrior. Quite naturally I went up to him and clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Xiao Hei! Long time no see.’
Xiao Hei stared at me for a moment, some unnameable emotion roiling in his eyes. Then, his brow furrowing slightly, he said deferentially, ‘Your Highness, your coach awaits.’
His tone was polite, but it was clear that he meant to keep a certain distance between the two of us. My hand froze momentarily on his shoulder; the gesture now seemed over-familiar.
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Footnotes:
- In the original text, 我要和你困觉. 困觉 is a term from the Wu regional language, and is equivalent to 睡觉 (‘sleep’) in Mandarin. This specific form of words is used in the 1921 novella The True Story of Ah Q (阿Q正传) by Lu Xun (鲁迅). The novella is regarded as a masterpiece of modern Chinese literature. In it, the titular character uses this form of words to proposition a female servant. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 肚兜. A traditional undergarment that covers the breasts and the belly (but leaves the back exposed) and resembles a modern-day halter top. [return to text]
- In Chinese, ‘to wear a green hat’ (戴绿帽子) means ‘to be cuckolded’. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 