Purely by Accident – Chapter 35
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Upon arrival at the Yongqing Palace, we were swiftly ushered into the Empress Dowager’s presence. The Empress Dowager received us with a most dignified air, leavened by more than a touch of familial affection. That affection held, in turn, a trace of gratification, which gave way to a smile that was also ever-so-slightly probing. Once the princess and I had knelt and made our obeisances to her, she bent down and helped the princess up, then turned to do the same for mel.
Perhaps concerned that this not inconsiderable exertion on her grandmother’s part would give her some sort of sprain, the princess sprang instantly to the old lady’s side the moment she got back on her feet, and put a dutiful arm through the Empress Dowager’s. She looked so meek and docile that it was as if a raging tigress had transformed into a devoted little kitten before my very eyes, crossing the line that separated the two species with nary a blink. I couldn’t stop staring at her, completely astounded.
The princess looked over with those star-bright eyes. So soon after her ‘transformation’, her gaze was much softer than usual. When her eyes met mine, her nose wrinkled slightly, drawing the corners of her lips up into a smile. Then suddenly she winked at me, and I could see a touch of mischief rippling in the unfathomable depths of her dark eyes. I couldn’t help responding with a coy little smile of my own.
The Empress Dowager coughed. She looked at the princess, then at me, then proclaimed gravely, ‘Wei Zisong, you really are something!’
What?
‘You really are something’ — that was usually a compliment, but the tone in which the Empress Dowager had said it made me suspect that she meant nothing of the kind. Given that Chu Feichen’s family seemed to be made up of skilled actresses, I had to proceed with care, so I turned the phrase over in my mind a few times.
‘You really are something’. Was she referring to my outstanding qinggong, which had allowed me to tumble unscathed from that tree atop Luoxia Hill? Or my skill at letters, by which I had won the title of tanhua in the imperial examination? Or was she, perchance, referring to the sheer unmitigated gall with which I concealed my gender from all and sundry, thereby obtaining the title of prince consort?
I broke into a cold sweat at the thought, and glanced sideways at the princess to see if she had any ideas.
The princess tugged at the Empress Dowager’s arm. ‘Your Majesty,’ she said, her voice the sweetest cajolery, ‘Zisong has always been such a timid person, and here you are, scaring him even more.’
By Heaven and Earth, by the Jade Emperor[1] and the Queen Mother of the West,[2] by all the gods I knew, which one could tell me why, although no part of that arch little speech — complete with an artful tremor on the final syllable — was directed at me, it nevertheless went through my heart as straight and true as an arrow, turning my knees so deliciously weak that I was in real danger of toppling over?
Maintaining a facade of perfect calm, I reached for the arm of the heavy pearwood chair next to me and gripped it tightly.
The Empress Dowager put on the woeful expression of a woman who had been cruelly abandoned by everyone she held dear. ‘It’s all right, it’s all right. A grown son ceases to heed his mother’s words;[3] a married daughter is like water that has been poured away.[4] Now that you’re wedded to Wei Zisong, you’ve stopped caring about me, your own dear grandmother. Oh, how much you favour him! How obviously you take his side!’ She clutched at her chest with both hands, her brows contracting tightly into a frown. ‘Oh, how my heart aches. Such a chill has come over it — I think I might be having one of my attacks.’
I had to concede that the Empress Dowager must have been an exceptionally beautiful woman in her youth. Even now, in her twilight years, the way she was clutching at her heart reminded one of the legendary beauty Xi Shi,[5] who was said to be prone to heart trouble, and was often seen knitting her brows together and placing a graceful hand to her chest whenever an attack came over her.
But still, wasn’t this performance of the Empress Dowager’s just a little too much? I glanced over at Chu Feichen, and saw consternation written all over her face.[6] In that moment, I finally realised that the wringing of her wrists, beating of her chest and all those other gestures with which she had embellished her tale of her grandmother’s woes had been no exaggeration at all.
Just as I was floundering, the old lady freed herself from Chu Feichen’s arm and fixed aggrieved eyes on me. ‘Wei Zisong, you really are something,’ she said. ‘This granddaughter of mine has been the apple of my eye since she was a child. From the moment she came of age, I never stopped worrying about her. Over the years, so many young noblemen have come to me begging and pleading for her hand in marriage, but she turned up her nose at every single one of them. Then you came along, and she abandoned her own dear grandmother…’
Tears welled up in the old lady’s eyes, yet in the most unfilial fashion, I felt my heart overflowing with sweetness. I stole a glance at Chu Feichen. She had placed a hand on her cheek, as if trying to conceal the faint flush that had spread across it, but the gesture only served to draw attention to her heightened colour. The sweetness intensified, so much so that I came very close to giving the sorrowful Empress Dowager a deeply ill-timed — not to mention practically treasonous — smile.
Then, as if by some miracle, the Empress Dowager’s despairing[7] expression turned sunny again. She stepped forward and took my hand with every appearance of gratification. ‘Zisong, my dear grandson-in-law, let me tell you this. If you hadn’t shown up when you did, and taken this difficult granddaughter of mine to wife, I might well have ended my own life in order to atone for my failure to safeguard the legacy of my husband the late emperor. Amitabha, and thank Heaven. If I die now, I’ll at least be able to look His Late Majesty in the face.’
Chu Feichen stamped her foot, vexed. ‘Grandma!’
The Empress Dowager’s words made me grow considerably in my own estimation. Then the old lady turned a calculating smile on me. ‘So you can appreciate the endless pains I’ve taken over Feichen all these years, and treat her well for my sake?’
Ah. So this was what all her twists and turns of speech, her epic show of great sorrow and then of equally great joy had been leading up to? I couldn’t help an inward sigh. Next to the Empress Dowager’s masterful performance, Chu Feichen’s acting skills seemed paltry by comparison, like a slender needle beside a full-sized iron pole!
Even without that reminder from the Empress Dowager, I would have willingly laid down my life to keep Chu Feichen safe from any harm. Though I didn’t make this extravagant promise out loud — only squeezed the Empress Dowager’s hand tightly and gave her a quiet nod.
The Empress Dowager smiled then; only her deep love for her granddaughter could have broken so easily through that dignified imperial facade. Such a display of familial affection was enough to move anyone to tears.
Having finished telling me all she wanted to say, the Empress Dowager’s mind seemed to be put at ease, and she drew Chu Feichen aside for an exchange of confidences. Tactfully, I left the room, and decided to have a wander through the imperial gardens while I waited for them to be done.
I soon caught sight of a diminutive figure in bright silver robes, crouching beside an osmanthus tree. He seemed to be intent on some task before him.
I walked over to take a closer look. It was the little prince I’d seen before, a very determined expression on his small face.
Love the princess, love her little brother.[8] I couldn’t resist going up to him and ruffling his hair. ‘What are you doing, Your Little Highness?’ I asked amiably.
The little prince was so intent on what he was doing that he didn’t even look up. Wiping the sweat off his forehead with one hand, he went on digging beneath the tree with the other. ‘My cricket died, so I’m making a hole to bury him in.’
Mm. So he was capable of deep compassion, but didn’t try to make an affectedly sentimental display of it. There was certainly something of the future emperor about him.
Again, I couldn’t resist giving him a few words of praise. ‘What a kind boy you are, to care so much for your old pet. You must have been very fond of your cricket, right?’
‘Mm!’ The little boy nodded forcefully, and began digging a little more quickly. ‘That’s why I’m burying him. If I plant a cricket this year, I’ll be able to harvest scores of them next year. Then we’ll see if Xiao Li Zi’s[9] crickets can still beat mine in a match!’
Er. What? The corner of my mouth twitched. What an imaginative little prince he was!
I decided to try and get off on the right foot with my small brother-in-law. ‘What’s your name, Your Little Highness?’ I asked, giving him a little poke on the cheek.
‘Chu Huairen,’ he said, seemingly without thinking. Then he seemed to sense that something wasn’t quite right. Slowly he turned his head, asking doubtfully, ‘Why are you—’
His eyes widened suddenly as they fell on my smiling face. ‘Aren’t you the one who said he was my sister’s husband the other day?’ he demanded.
I went on smiling and said nothing.
The little prince was starting to lose his composure. ‘Huangjie’s wedding was a few days ago. So she really did marry you?’
Mm. The boy was a quick learner indeed.[10]
I stepped forward and patted him on the head again. ‘Come, Huairen. Call me jiefu.’[11]
He ducked away from my hand, his mouth twisting into a disdainful pout. ‘I’m not going to acknowledge you as my brother-in-law. When I grow up, I’m going to marry huangjie!’
Eh, what was this? A case of the sister complex, in all its glory?
Privately, I could understand how such feelings could have come about — if only they weren’t directed at my own wife! The Yan Empire had such a surfeit of princesses. Why couldn’t the little fellow go and develop a complex over, say, Zhao Yishu’s wife instead?
‘Huairen, be good,’ I said patiently. ‘Your huangjie is already married to me. When you come to take a wife, you should look for someone who is still unwed. You’re so handsome, I’m sure you’ll be very popular with all the girls.’
The boy’s brows drew into a stubborn little frown. ‘Huangjie might be married to you now, but that doesn’t mean she has to stay married! Didn’t she say last time that she was thinking of divorcing you? I don’t want any other girls, I only want huangjie!’
Oh, this accursed child, who seemed to be hell-bent on incest!
Putting on a serious expression, I bluffed, ‘Your huangjie can’t divorce me now. We’ve already — already —’ I stuttered over the word a few times, but still couldn’t make myself force out the phrase ‘consummated our marriage’. For one, it was simply not true. For another, what if the already highly imaginative little prince standing in front of me were to become ‘enlightened’ by that notion, leading him to spout such scandalous lines as ‘When I grow up, I’m going to consummate my marriage to huangjie!’ How was my frail little heart supposed to bear that?
And so I cleared my throat and tried again. ‘Your huangjie and I have already held hands.’
The little prince stared at me for a moment. Then his face broke into a smile of obvious contempt. ‘That doesn’t mean anything. Yishu gege used to hold hands with huangjie too, and she didn’t marry him either.’
Yishu. Zhao Yishu.
I felt as if a thorn had been stabbed deep into my heart; I was completely unprepared for the pain. A cacophony of remembered voices rose up in my mind, showing me the truth all too vividly. There was no escaping it.
The princess, back at my father’s manor, leaning against the railing of the zigzag gallery that ran through the grounds, saying oh so charmingly, ‘Let’s make a pact: you’ll be my prince consort for three years, and once they’re up, you’ll be a free woman again. Do I have your agreement, Zisong?’
The princess again, standing with her back to me on the balcony of that inn, saying softly, ‘Don’t believe anything anyone else tells you about me. Only trust what you hear from my own mouth.’
Then Zhao Yishu at our wedding banquet, his eyes inscrutable as he said earnestly to me, ‘Wei Zisong, treat Feichen well.’
Then the princess again, in our marital bed, burrowing her face into my shoulder as she mumbled, ‘Zisong, give me some time.’
Then the little prince just a few moments ago, saying, ‘That doesn’t mean anything. Yishu gege used to hold hands with huangjie too, and she didn’t marry him either.’
That doesn’t mean anything. Yishu gege used to hold hands with huangjie too, and she didn’t marry him either…
My palms had gone ice-cold. Very good, I thought, very good. So you two are a pair of lovebirds, with your hearts beating as one and all that. Then what about me? What does that make me? Oh, right — nothing more than a weiqi piece, who’s given up three years of freedom in exchange for a promise to spare her family’s lives. How could I be so deluded as to imagine that you would ever have genuine feelings for me? Our fates had already been written, after all. It was just my own obstinacy that had led me to reach so far above my station, to lose myself in some fool’s paradise.
The little prince came up to me and tugged uncertainly at my hand. ‘Why are you crying? It’s fine, you can keep huangjie.’
I scrubbed a hand savagely over my eyes, and it came away wet. Hastily, I turned and gave him a smile that was probably hideous enough to scar him emotionally for life. ‘I’m fine,’ I said, over and over again. ‘I’m fine…’
And I was fine. Just a little sad at having finally realised a truth I should have arrived at long ago.
‘Huairen.’
The princess’ voice rang out suddenly from behind me. The little prince scurried past me, looking rather shaken, and I heard him launch himself into her arms.
He had probably pointed at me or something of the kind, because a few moments later, the princess walked around to face me, holding her brother’s little hand in hers. She frowned, putting a hand to my cheek. ‘What’s the matter, Zisong? Are you ill?’
It wasn’t entirely my fault, was it, for having jumped head-first into this quagmire of emotion without knowing any better? If you weren’t so wonderful, I thought, if you didn’t treat me with such tenderness, would I have fallen into such dire straits? Now I was stuck in some sort of hideous limbo: there was no way forward, but no going back either.
I stared at her as if in a trance. That worry I could see flickering in her eyes — was that real, or yet more dissemblance?
A rank of guardsmen marched into view. Their leader paused, then came up to us and inclined his head. ‘Your Highness,’ he said to the princess. Then he turned to me and cupped his hands respectfully before his chest. ‘Wei xiong.’
The princess jerked her hand away from my cheek as if it had been burned.
I squinted at the leader of the guardsmen. Zhao Yishu? I wondered, then the next moment I was sure. Zhao Yishu!
The pent-up misery in my heart got the better of me. I caught hold of his cupped hands with one of my own, then balled my other hand into a fist and swung it straight at his stomach.
Zhao Yishu lived up to the first place he’d won in the imperial military examination. Almost reflexively, he blocked my attack and responded with his own, every single one of his movements worthy of a great general. As a former bandit chief who’d been idling away her days for quite some time, I was no match for him. Within moments, I’d taken quite a few blows to both my face and my body.
The princess was calling out behind me. ‘Stop! Wei Zisong, are you trying to get yourself killed? Commander Zhao, you’d better stop that right now!’
Zhao Yishu seemed to rouse abruptly from some sort of dream. He leaped aside, extricating himself from our fight. ‘Your humble servant has offended,’ he said, bowing his head. ‘I beg Your Highness’ forgiveness for this transgression!’
He was an excellent fighter and a perfect gentleman! Well done, Zhao Yishu, very well done.
Incensed, the princess rushed up to me, took hold of my arm, and dragged me away. As we left, I saw dejection flash across Zhao Yishu’s face.
Some time later, I was sprawled in a corner of the coach, staring blankly ahead of me. I recalled Xiao Hei’s look of astonishment when he’d seen me just now. Was it really so obvious what a complete shambles I was? Involuntarily, the corners of my mouth twitched upwards into a smile. The movement hurt my lip, and I let out a low grunt of pain.
The princess, her face still like thunder, nevertheless shifted closer to me and stroked the corner of my mouth gently. ‘Does that hurt?’ she asked.
Did it hurt? How could anything hurt more than the knives twisting in my heart?
A fit of perverseness overtook me, and a surge of heat rose up in my brain. I leaned over and captured her lips with mine, ravaging them recklessly with my teeth and tongue.
She tried desperately to wrench her head away, but couldn’t. So she bit my lower lip, hard. As the sweet, metallic taste of blood welled up, my head cleared slightly, and I pulled away from her a little.
At once, and without hesitation, she gave me a full-armed slap right across the face. Her lips were bloodstained, and a towering rage filled her eyes. ‘Wei Zisong, what’s come over you today?’ she demanded imperiously.
What’s come over me? I’d like to know that too! What’s come over me, that I’d lose myself so completely to you, that I’d let you hit me, scream at me, humiliate me like this — and that after I’d let you deceive and manipulate me?
With a bitter grin, I lifted the coach curtain. Without even calling for a halt, I jumped off and walked away, heedless of Xiao Hei shouting my name over and over behind me.
***
Footnotes:
- In the original text, 玉帝, also known as 玉皇 and 玉皇大帝. The supreme ruler of Heaven in Chinese religion and mythology. [return to text]
- In the original text, 王母, also known as 西王母. A prominent mother goddess in Chinese religion and mythology. [return to text]
- In the original text, 儿大不由娘. This saying originates from the late Ming Dynasty/early Qing Dynasty novel Marriage Destinies to Awaken the World (醒世姻缘传, also translated as The Bonds of Matrimony, A Marriage to Awaken the World and A Romance to Awaken the World). [return to text]
- In the original text, 嫁出去的姑娘泼出去的水. A common saying which means that a married daughter becomes part of her husband’s family and ceases to have anything to do with her natal family. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 西施. One of the renowned Four Great Beauties of ancient China, she is said to have lived during the late Spring and Autumn Period in the State of Yue. [return to text]
- In the original text, 一脸黑线, literally ‘face full of black lines’. A trope often seen in Japanese animation to denote anxiety, depression, unhappiness or awkwardness. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 哀莫大于心死, translatable as ‘there is no sorrow greater than the death of the soul’. The saying originates from the Zhuangzi (see footnote 5 to Chapter 14). [return to text]
- In Chinese, the chengyu 爱屋及乌, literally ‘if you love someone, you’ll love even the crows that perch on their roof’. It means essentially the same thing as ‘love me, love my dog’. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 小李子. Likely a eunuch with the surname Li, as the addition of the diminutives ‘Xiao’ and ‘Zi’ is a common way of forming nicknames for eunuchs in mainstream Chinese historical dramas and novels, especially those set in the Qing Dynasty. I make no comment about the historical accuracy of this practice. [return to text]
- In Chinese, the chengyu 孺子可教, literally ‘the child is teachable’. It describes a young person who is amenable to instruction. The chengyu originates from Records of the Grand Historian (see footnote 5 to Chapter 2). [return to text]
- In Chinese, 姐夫, literally ‘older sister’s husband’. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 