Purely by Accident – Chapter 36
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The weather was startlingly fine that day. The sun swept away all the accumulated dreariness of the winter, drawing warm smiles from all those whose faces it shone upon.
I pulled back my sleeve and scrubbed savagely at the bloodstain on my lip. How miserly Heaven was, I thought, to deny me a fine, lingering drizzle to match my current abject state. That showed all too clearly that I wasn’t the lead player in this particular little opera. Not for me the role of the protagonist who rises gracefully above her romantic disappointment, uttering, ‘By the will of Heaven, as the rain is my witness, now will I bury my dead love.’
Of course, the only thing that had happened was Chu Feichen making it clear that she didn’t want me — that was all. Why was that fact by itself enough to make my heart clench, to make my lungs struggle for breath, to make me feel as if Heaven itself had abandoned me? The corners of my mouth twisted into a self-mocking smile. You fell in love with completely the wrong woman; how unlucky you are, Wei Zisong.
Most of the people I walked past turned to give me quizzical looks, their eyes glinting with curiosity. I know, I know, I thought. I’m so very handsome, so very debonair, as lovely and as lovable as a flower blooming in the springtime. It’s just that I’m in no mood right now to return all of this ardour directed towards me. Wait for me, my lass; wait for me, my lad. Wait for me, all of Tengzhou. Once I’ve been healed of this heartbreak that’s making it difficult for me even to move my lips, I’ll come to you and give you all my love.
Although I had no idea whether that day would come soon, or never.
A young woman who had been giving me one puzzled look after another finally caught hold of my sleeve.
‘Young… master, those cuts and bruises look rather worrying, and you seem to be a little lightheaded as well. Would you like me to take you to the infirmary?’
With an effort, I gathered myself together and squinted at her. She was a lovely, fresh-faced girl, and she was gazing at me with undisguised concern. Suddenly I recalled the little smile that Chu Feichen had worn when she asked whether I was willing to come to the capital with her as her prince consort. I took a deep breath, then asked the young woman somewhat dazedly, ‘Have you ever been in love, miss?’
She stared speechlessly at me for a moment, two spots of red spreading swiftly across her cheeks. Then she lowered her gaze and said in a brave little whisper, ‘Never.’
Never.
The word drifted into my ears lightly enough, but it still made my vision blur. I freed myself from the young woman’s grasp, bowed to her, and walked away. She stared after me, half bewildered, half lost.
There were so many good, lovely young women in the world whose hearts remained untrammelled.[1] Why, oh why, had I fallen in love with Chu Feichen instead?
I spent most of the day wandering the streets and alleys of Tengzhou, but came away with absolutely no memory of where I had been or what I had done. This would no doubt have been a disappointment to my youthful self, given her fascination for the capital. Oh, how much people can change. As time marches relentlessly on, even the deepest yearnings fade inevitably away into indifference. The damnable thing was, why hadn’t this happened to Chu Feichen’s feelings for Zhao Yishu? Why did they seem as strong as ever?
Close to my residence, a self-proclaimed ‘clairvoyant’ had set up a stall offering divinations and fortune-tellings. When I glanced at him, he called out, ‘Young master, pray stop for a little while. The melancholy look on your face tells me you may be troubled at heart. Why not allow me to tell your fortune? Who knows, Heaven might provide you with some guidance, and reveal that brighter times lie just ahead.’[2]
I thought this over. ‘A clairvoyant, are you?’ I said to him. ‘Then can you guess the source of my troubles? If your answer is correct, I’ll gladly let you tell my fortune.’
The fortune-teller looked me up and down, frowned, and said doubtfully. ‘Are there obstacles in the way of your political career?’
I shook my head. ‘Try again.’
His frowned deepened. ‘Have you had difficulties conceiving an heir?’
I slipped my fan from my belt, flicked it open and began fanning myself. ‘You have one more chance,’ I said generously.
‘Perhaps… your honourable parents have passed away?’ he asked, his voice quivering.
Without a moment’s hesitation, I kicked his stall over.
When I finally reached my residence, I saw a figure standing stolidly under the gentle glow of the lanterns that hung on either side of the front gates. It was Xiao Hei.
I greeted him with a little chuckle. ‘Xiao Hei, you’re here.’
It was probably a trick of the light, but the hitherto austere lines of his face seemed to hold a trace of softness. Some emotion flickered and flared in his eyes. He raised one hand as if to pat me on the shoulder, but as it passed in front of his chest, it changed direction, and he ended up cupping it in his other hand as he bowed slightly to me. ‘Prince Consort. Sir. You’re home.’
‘Prince Consort. Sir.’ Both of these titles rankled. For one, I was not a man, and therefore no ‘sir’. For another, I was only a weiqi piece that the princess had placed on the board out of expediency, so I was no true prince consort. When I heard Xiao Hei address me in that way, the only response that came to mind was: Prince Consort? Really? I felt as if an infinitely cynical voice was whispering in my ear, reminding me: All this is nothing but the reflection of flowers in a mirror, or the moon in the water.[3] It’s all an illusion, and in the end, as insubstantial as a dream.
And so, looking very earnestly into Xiao Hei’s eyes, I said, ‘Xiao Hei, in future, you should call me Wei xiong, or even just Zisong. “Prince Consort” just feels a little too awkward.’
His lips twitched, but he said nothing.
I stepped over the threshold, and had taken some ten or so steps beyond the front gates when I finally heard him call out behind me, slowly and deliberately, ‘Zisong, you need to be happier.’
I paused. A night breeze blew past, bringing with it a faint chill. ‘It’s getting late, Xiao Hei,’ I said quietly. ‘You should turn in earlier.’
Soon I found myself standing outside my own bridal chamber. The door and windows were still stuck all over with bright red paper cutouts of the ‘double happiness’ character.[4] A faint light shone through the windows, giving the decorations an air of liveliness. I hesitated on the threshold for a long while, then sighed, pushed the door open and stepped inside.
One of our red wedding candles was lit on the table. It had burned halfway through, and dribbles of wax had accreted at its base, making it swollen and unsightly. When I looked towards the bed, I saw that Chu Feichen was lying there on her side, facing outwards. She had one hand pillowed under her head, and seemed to be fast asleep.
I padded softly closer, and sat down beside the bed. In sleep, Chu Feichen’s face held little of the ferocity with which she had berated me earlier. For some reason, her brows were drawn together into a slight frown, and the hand under her head was clenched tightly into a fist. Her breathing, however, was even and peaceful.
I stared at her for a long moment, as if in a trance, then reached out to smooth away a few strands of hair that had fallen across her face. Reflexively, she caught hold of my hand and rubbed her cheek against it. Her brow remained furrowed.
I felt as if something had given my heart a vicious tug. Are you so troubled, even in your dreams? I wondered. Does Zhao Yishu really make you that miserable? Then why didn’t you tell your lord father about him sooner, and ask His Majesty to marry you to Zhao Yishu? After all, you had the wherewithal to put even a ne’er-do-well bandit like me in the position of Prince Consort — why did you let slip the opportunity of doing that very same thing for the man you truly love?
My heart was overcome by a sensation I couldn’t fully make out: one moment it seemed to ache for myself, the next it seemed to ache for her. It was only after I bent and kissed her forehead that the sense of suffocation eased slightly. Chu Feichen, you’ve put me in your thrall, but you’d willingly shed tears for Zhao Yishu instead? Which of us owes the other a debt of affection, and which of us has given more warmth to the other? But there, that’s just how things are.
She rolled over, murmuring something I couldn’t quite make out. Her fist did unclench, however, to reveal a small porcelain jar resting in her palm — a jar of ointment, the kind for cuts and bruises.
Tears suddenly slipped uncontrollably down my face.
Why do you have to be so good to me? I wondered. Why are you so good to me when you don’t even want me? All those months ago, when you asked me to be your prince consort, that’s because I’m a woman, wasn’t it? And it’s because I’m a woman that you’ve put up with all the intimacies I’ve inflicted so shamelessly on you, isn’t it? And now that I — a woman — desire you, has that put you in a difficult position?
I bent and kissed the outer curve of her ear, mumbling, ‘Chu Feichen, I love you…’
A tear rolled down my cheek and disappeared into her hair. Chu Feichen, I love you, I thought, but I need to get away from you now. We’re too close — so close that I can barely stop myself from taking you into my arms. From now on, we’ll stay far apart, as befits spouses bound only by contract. And once the three years we agreed on are up, we’ll bid each other farewell. Goodbye, see you, I’ll never see you again.
Gently I tucked the covers around her, picked up the little porcelain jar, gave her a last long look, and left the room. I found my way to a side chamber that stood empty, and there I passed the hours until daybreak, as the night lengthened and the chill dew gathered.
Early the next morning, when the princess stepped into the main hall, I was already there, slurping heartily from the bowl of adlay[5] porridge I held up to my mouth. The porridge was just a little too hot, and that made me grimace as I greeted her. ‘Good morning, princess!’
I could tell that she was well and truly flabbergasted. Astonishment was written all over that usually equable face, which so rarely showed any unpremeditated changes of expression. Oh, that’s right, she’d probably never seen anyone behaving quite as shamelessly as I was — after getting into a fight, forcing a kiss on her, receiving a slap in the face, and storming away from the palace in a fit of rage, here I was, back at home, sitting in the main hall and eating porridge without a single qualm of conscience!
‘Are you hungry?’ I asked the princess hospitably. ‘Would you like some porridge?’
A vein throbbed visibly in her forehead, but she said nothing, only nodded and sat down. She picked up an empty bowl and held it out to me from across half the length of the table.
I pretended not to see it. ‘Serve the princess some breakfast!’ I called out, and waited for a servant to come in.
The princess frowned then, fixing her lovely eyes on me. On her face was a complicated mixture of emotions.
I gave her a brief smile, then busied myself again with my porridge.
For a while, the room was silent. When I looked up again, the princess was sitting next to me. Putting a hand gently to the corner of my mouth, she said softly, ‘Does that still hurt?’
I turned my head, ducking away from her touch. ‘Not anymore. That ointment of yours came in very useful, Your Highness.’
Her hand froze, then fell slowly away. ‘So you did come back to our room last night,’ she said, as if to herself.
‘Mm,’ I said. I schooled my expression into seriousness, and dipped my head slightly in her direction. ‘I beg Your Highness’ forgiveness for my reckless behaviour at the palace yesterday.’
‘You!’ she began. I could sense her temper flaring; for some reason, she tamped it down. Her chest rose and fell a few times, then she said to me with seeming mildness, ‘Why did you start that fight?’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘It was probably my thuggish instincts coming to the fore. I’m a bandit after all; fisticuffs are all in a day’s work for me — as is hugging and kissing pretty young women. But after the salutary lesson Your Highness gave me with that slap, I understand now that it was wrong of me to do what I did, and will not repeat that mistake.’
The princess swayed violently in her chair. She looked up at me, her eyes filled with disbelief.
A very long moment later, she finally parted her lips, licking them nervously as she said with some difficulty, ‘Zisong, are you upset because I slapped you yesterday? I—’
Those words made my heart ache terribly. For my sake, and hers, I interrupted her swiftly. ‘Your humble servant would hardly dare feel upset. Since yesterday, your humble servant has become fully cognisant of exactly where she stands in Your Highness’ regard, and will, in future, observe all the proprieties most assiduously. There is no need to let it trouble you, Your Highness.’
‘You didn’t sleep in our room last night,’ said the princess, her voice choking. ‘Was that you assiduously observing the proprieties?’
I nodded. ‘I beg Your Highness’ pardon for the many liberties I have taken in the past. I’ve now thought things over. Since this arrangement is one of expediency, it would be best for us to avoid becoming too entangled in each other’s lives. Besides, I’m used to sleeping alone. From now on, we should sleep in separate rooms.’
The princess’ hand spasmed wildly; her lips twisted into a cold sneer. ‘Well said, Wei Zisong, well said. Why do we even need to go to the trouble of arranging for separate rooms? In future, you can stay right here at this residence, and I’ll return to mine — and you’re forbidden from setting foot in there without my summons!’
‘Servants!’ she called. ‘Ready the coach. I’m going back to my own manor!’ She rose, and with a vicious flourish of her sleeves, left the room.
So forceful was that parting gesture that it swept a small, gold-rimmed bowl from the table. With a loud smash, it shattered into a thousand pieces on the floor.
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Footnotes:
- In Chinese, the chengyu 心如止水, literally ‘heart like still water’. It describes someone who is completely at peace with themselves, and is unmoved by external circumstance. It originates from the essay ‘In Memory of Assistant Minister Li’ (祭李侍郎文) by the Tang Dynasty poet, politician and musician Bai Juyi (白居易). [return to text]
- In Chinese, the chengyu 柳暗花明, literally ‘shady willow trees and bright flowers’. It describes a beautiful vista, and is also a metaphor for someone’s life taking a turn for the better after experiencing hardship. The first instance of this chengyu is said to occur in the shi poem ‘Morning Assembly’ (早朝) by the Tang Dynasty poet and politician Wang Wei (王维). [return to text]
- In Chinese, the chengyu 镜花水月. It can refer either to a mirage or to someone viewing things through rose-coloured glasses. [return to text]
- The double happiness symbol (囍) is made up of two instances of the Chinese word 喜, meaning joy and happiness. It typically appears on traditional decorative items associated with marriage. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 薏米. Also known as adlay millet or Job’s tears, and commonly sold as Chinese pearl barley (though it belongs to a different genus from true barley). [return to text]
douqi 随笔 