Purely by Accident – Chapter 40
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I stood in the courtyard just outside Chu Feichen’s bedchamber, waiting for her to be finished with her ablutions.
As one of the new generation of thoughtful, considerate, ever-doting prince consorts, I had just a short while ago suggested very earnestly to Chu Feichen that I should personally wait on her while she bathed. At the time, she’d been lying on her side, massaging away the knots in her lower back by pounding lightly on it with one fist. Her eyes were a little faraway as she watched me putting on my undershirt. In response to my suggestion, she only let out a languid, long-drawn-out, ‘Oh?’
I paused in the act of doing up the ties of my undershirt, and went to sit next to her on the bed. Assiduously I began massaging her lower back, and said in the most persuasive tones I could muster, ‘Look at you — it’s hard work for you even to give yourself a back rub. Isn’t something as physically demanding as bathing going to be even more taxing?’
Chu Feichen tilted her head to one side, seeming to give the matter some very serious thought. Then she nodded. ‘That is true indeed.’
My hands became even more gentle on her back. ‘And don’t you think these hands of mine are taking good care of you right now?’ I said cajolingly, making my voice as sweet as possible.
Chu Feichen stretched luxuriously, closing her eyes, and let out a satisfied sigh. Yet somehow she still felt the need to land a distressing blow on my self-respect. ‘Not as good as Sizhen’s.’
This was too great an insult to be borne.
With the utmost politeness, I attempted to reason with her. ‘Silly Girl? Are Silly Girl’s hands even worthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as mine?’ I raised my hand, holding two fingers aloft. ‘Take a good look at this hand. Use it to rub your back, and your aches and pains will vanish; run it along your legs, and you’ll go immediately weak at the knees. In water, it’s the ideal bathing implement; take it to bed, and it will prove itself a most dextrous instrument. Truly, ’tis the most magical, nay, divine limb — a multi-functional, all-in-one device, valuable beyond compare, and precious beyond price!’
The sunlight streaming through the window fell softly on these two astounding fingers of mine, lending them a golden, benign glow.
The princess’ back stiffened, and her expression froze. A moment later, I saw a vein begin to throb through the soft skin at her temple. ‘A most precious hand indeed,’ she said through clenched teeth, her voice dangerously low. ‘I’m sure it will fetch an excellent price at the market.’
Truly, was there a single soul more vindictive than the princess?
Hastily I lowered my hand. ‘No, no, absolutely not. This hand is most decidedly not for sale. It belongs exclusively to you, princess. Other women are unable to sample its marvels.’
An inscrutable smile flashed across the princess’ face, then disappeared again just as swiftly. ‘Oh?’ She said, putting on a severe expression. ‘And which other women were you hoping to show those marvels to? Tell me, and I might just be generous enough to grant you your wish.’
Oh, how she loved saying exactly the opposite of what she meant. I decided to play along with her little game. ‘Since Your Highness is so open-minded, your humble servant will make so bold as to name them. I do have quite a few young ladies queueing up for my services — there’s Dujuan, and Mudan, oh, and Xiaoqing and Xiaohong — ow!’[1]
Chu Feichen had pinched me viciously on the softest part of my waist. I flinched, then allowed the movement to propel me forward, sending me face-first into her bosom. ‘I hadn’t finished speaking,’ I mumbled indistinctly, nibbling gently at the soft curve of one breast through her robes. ‘My mouth is also a most divine, multi-functional, all-in-one device, valuable beyond compare, precious beyond price!’
Chu Feichen’s eyes held a mixture of annoyance blended with bashfulness, and a flush was rising to her cheeks. Seemingly goaded beyond endurance, she placed a hand on either side of my face. Then, looking me straight in the eye, she lunged ferociously at me, making as if to bite me on the mouth. The instant her lips met mine, however, they turned soft and gentle. As our lips yielded to each other’s, she murmured, ‘Let me see exactly how honeyed this supposedly divine mouth of yours is…’
My heart, I felt sure, was about to melt completely. Carefully, I cupped her face in my hands and dedicated my full attention to kissing her back thoroughly.
When we both opened our eyes again, Chu Feichen’s breathing had become distinctly unsteady. She gave me a little nudge. ‘You should go. The day is wearing on, and I’m meeting my sisters for tea after I bathe.’
Oh, sisters and the like truly were the eternal third wheel in every loving couple’s life.
I kissed her lightly on the mouth again before reluctantly rising and draping my outer robe over my shoulders. I’d taken only a few steps towards the door before I looked back and asked, ‘Are you sure you don’t need me to wait on you? This is a rare opportunity — let it slip by, and it’s gone for ever!’
‘I really don’t,’ Chu Feichen replied.
Oh, those who had been raised in the lap of luxury[2] truly were impervious to temptation.
‘Are you really sure?’ I pressed. ‘If I were to wait on you, wouldn’t you have something to boast about when you take tea with your sisters afterwards? If you were to compare who has the most devotedly uxorious prince consort—’
Thud! A pillow landed at my feet.
‘Think it over a little more!’ I went on. ‘Who knows, if you say yes, you might get a most pleasant surprise! You might not know this, but my hands can be very dextrous underwater as well—’
Thud! A second pillow came flying towards me.
‘Is it because I only held up two fingers just now, and that wasn’t quite persuasive enough? Why, I can just add another one! Three fingers, leading you into a sensory paradise the likes of which you’ve never before experienced—’
Thud! Thud! Chu Feichen’s outer robes and fur cloak came flying towards me in a heap, and I scooped them up. Exactly what I was hoping for, I thought with an inward chuckle. I recalled the tale of Dong Yong and the Jade Emperor’s seventh daughter, who had fallen in love after Dong Yong had stolen the heavenly maiden’s robe while she was bathing.[3] Chu Feichen, I deeply regret not meeting you sooner; can I, using the same trick, get you to promise the rest of your life to me?
We were now one flesh, one soul, and sworn never to forsake each other for as long as we both should live. And that was how I came to be standing in the courtyard outside the princess’ bedchamber, shivering in the bitter wind. I wrapped Chu Feichen’s fur cloak even more tightly around myself in a desperate bid to retain some trace of warmth.
Sill Girl came walking past, holding a fresh set of clothes for the princess. ‘Prince consort,’ she said to me in pitying tones, ‘why don’t you go and sit in the main hall and have a cup of tea? It’s so cold and blustery in the open — what are you standing out here for?’
I puffed out my chest. ‘You wouldn’t understand, Silly Girl. As a married man, one must never sit at one’s ease when one’s wife is on her feet. For the same reason, one must stand guard when one’s wife is bathing. Thus is the way of the husband.’
Silly Girl was so touched by this that I could see the leading edge of a tear well up in her eye. ”What a devoted little pretty boy Her Highness has married! Oh, what a sweet burden that must be!’
And so saying, she ran off, tears streaming down her face.
I turned her words over and over in my mind, trying to work out whether she had meant them as praise or derision. Unable to come to any firm conclusion, I eventually abandoned the attempt, and turned instead to look at the withered vine climbing across the high wall that surrounded the princess’ quarters. For no reason I could name, I found myself thinking of Chu Feichen and Zhao Yishu as they must have been in their younger days.
I pictured how, in that slice of space and time I would never inhabit, a spirited young man would leap lightly over this very wall, a kite in his hand, just so that he could catch a glimpse of the girl he loved. If she happened to be in the courtyard, she would look his way and smile. If she happened to be in her bedchamber, he would have no chance of speaking even a single word to her. But what of it? The meeting of their minds, a single exchange of glances — all that was worth more than a thousand speeches.
But after that?
His promises had proved to be hollow, and two hearts that had been nestled infinitely close together were suddenly worlds apart. She had set off for the empire’s distant border provinces immediately after his marriage; he had sat through her wedding banquet with his head bowed in sorrow.
If the leading lady in this little play had been someone other than the woman I loved so deeply, I too would have shed tears over its sad ending. But fate had led me to Chu Feichen, had led me to fall in love with her, had led her to choose me as the person with whom she would spend the rest of her life. So all your self-satisfied bandit chief could do was let out a somewhat hypocritical sigh and declare, ‘That callow, underripe[4] childhood romance can go to the devil! Heaven itself has decreed so — how can we mere mortals stand against it?’
Suddenly I was seized by the desire to see what it was like to leap over that wall from the other side. If I were lucky enough, might I be able to catch a glimpse of Chu Feichen’s younger self?
And so I dashed out of the courtyard, found my way to the other side of the wall, took a deep breath and launched myself at it. Out of my way, you little Zhao whippersnapper! Chu Feichen, my darling princess, your all-wise, all-powerful bandit chief is on her way!
I landed safely atop the wall. From that vantage point, almost — though not quite — the whole of the princess’ bedchamber lay open to my gaze. An excellent view indeed.
Then I heard Silly Girl’s voice inside the bedchamber, raised in what I considered to be an overwrought fashion. The wind stilled just then, making her exclamations ring out even more clearly. ‘Oh no! Your Highness, there’s a peeping tom crouching right on top of that wall, spying brazenly on you!’
This was followed by a vigorous series of splashes. Clearly, the princess had dived beneath the water in her alarm.
I was left completely speechless. Not only was it impossible for me to see even the tiniest corner of the princess’ bathtub from this angle — it was the only part of the room that was concealed from me — but, as her prince consort, I was perfectly entitled to look upon my own wife whenever I wished. Why would I need go to such extreme lengths as scrambling up a wall in order to spy on her?
Before I could say or do anything, however, Silly Girl was already rushing out of the princess’ bedchamber, incandescent with rage. In her hand was a bath ladle made from some sort of gourd, which she hurled in my direction — swiftly, forcefully and with deadly accuracy. I was completely unprepared to dodge it, and the force of the missile sent me tumbling from my perch. As Silly Girl sprinted towards my prone form, I gave three inward sighs, one for each of the three fundamental truths that flashed across my mind in turn.
First: that the elegantly debauched activity of spying on a beautiful woman from atop a wall was not something one could simply undertake.
Second: that it was most unreasonable for ‘a bath ladle fashioned from a gourd’ not to be listed as one of the ten most formidable weapons in the jianghu’s Complete Ranking of Arms.[5]
Third: that my all-too-precious rump was now grievously sore!
Silly Girl’s feet moved further into my field of vision, and I let out a fourth inward sigh: oh, what a lovely pair of massive feet!
The owner of said feet, her eyebrows bristling with anger, jabbed a finger at me. ‘How dare you, you peeping tom—’
I looked up at her and gave a little chuckle. She, clearly moved by this sign of my forgiveness, broke off, shock spreading over her face. ‘What? Prince consort?’
I was, indeed, none other than Wei Zisong, your pitiable prince consort and heroic bandit chief!
Silly Girl stumbled a few steps backwards. She was still pointing at me, but her finger was beginning to tremble slightly. ‘Prince consort… w-why are you spying on the princess in her bath?’
And now here she was, judging my intentions by the measure of her own petty mind.[6]
I scrambled to my feet and patted the dust away from the seat of my robes. ‘You can stop making such a fuss,’ I said patiently. ‘I wasn’t spying on the princess.’
Silly Girl trembled again, this time sorrowfully. ‘There’s no need to deny it, prince consort. If you wanted to watch the princess bathe, why didn’t you just ask her? She might have said yes.’
‘Do you think I didn’t try?’ I blurted out. ‘I did make the suggestion, but the princess vetoed it straightaway.’
Silly Girl stamped her foot then, her expression turning resolute. ‘In that case, you were being a peeping tom after all!’
Oh, as Heaven is my witness, this was how perfectly innocent people ended up being convicted of crimes they had never committed.
I decided I might was well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. ‘Fine, fine,’ I said, putting on my most louche expression. ‘So what if I was behaving like a peeping tom? She’s my wife — I’ll admire her openly if I wish, and I’ll ogle her in secret if I wish!’
Silly Girl’s eyes widened in disbelief. She trembled again — once, twice — then, flinging her hand away, she turned and fled back inside the princess’ bedchamber. The door slammed shut behind Silly Girl, muffling the soothing sounds of the princess’ voice as she comforted her maid.
As the saying went, once a scoundrel (like myself) had mastered the civilised arts — in this case, that of advocacy — then let the world beware.[7]
A sudden sense of peace descended over my heart. I might be hopeless at leaping over walls, I might have no idea how to lead an army in battle, I might be neither as handsome nor as dashing as one would expect of Chu Feichen’s consort, and I might not have met her before Zhao Yishu did, but Chu Feichen was my woman now.
Mine.
And in her own words, she would always be mine, whether now or in the future.
My heart overflowed with a strange, tender ache. I walked over to the windowsill upon which Zhao Yishu was said to have placed countless gifts and picked up a small stone from the ground. With great care, I used it to carve into the wall beneath that window the following lines:
Beneath the boundless azure sky, our love’s a promise that binds us across Heaven and Earth.
A gust of wind blew past, lifting a fine layer of dust from the wall, and the words I had just carved into it became even clearer.
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Footnotes:
- In Chinese, the names listed here are 杜鹃 (meaning ‘azalea’), 牡丹 (meaning ‘peony’), 小青 (the diminutive ‘xiao’ (or ‘little’) plus ‘green’) and 小红 (the diminutive ‘xiao’ plus ‘red’). These are feminine names that do not have particularly sophisticated connotations, and would typically be associated with working-class girls, maidservants or courtesans from the lower echelons. In the present context, this is also meant to be understood as a ‘throwaway’ list of names that do not identify any woman in particular. [return to text]
- In Chinese, the chengyu 锦衣玉食, literally ‘brocade clothing and jade food’, which describes a luxurious and/or extravagant lifestyle. The chengyu originates from the Book of Wei (魏书), a classic Chinese text by the historian Wei Shou, which documents the history of the Northern Wei and Eastern Wei dynasties. [return to text]
- This refers to the famous Chinese legend commonly known as ‘Dong Yong and the Seventh Fairy’ (董永与七仙女). In one version of the tale, the titular Seventh Fairy, the seventh daughter of the Jade Emperor (see footnote 1 to Chapter 35), descends to the mortal realm to bathe in a lake. Dong Yong, a mortal man, catches sight of her and proceeds to steal and hide away her magical robe of feathers. Without the robe, the Seventh Fairy is unable to return to Heaven. She is compelled to remain in the mortal realm with Dong Yong, and over time she falls in love with him. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 青梅, literally ‘green plum’. The term is also popularly used to refer to one’s childhood sweetheart. This metaphorical sense of the term is derived from the shi poem ‘Ballad of Changgan’ (长干行, also translated as ‘A Poem of Changgan’, ‘A Song of Changgan’, ‘Memories of Changgan’ and ‘Parting at Changgan’) by the Tang Dynasty poet Li Bai (李白). The poem is told from the perspective of a woman who has married her childhood sweetheart. As she reminisces over their shared childhood, she recounts how they would play around the well, throwing green plums at each other (some translations render this as playing with plum blossoms). [return to text]
- In Chinese, 兵器谱, literally ‘manual of weapons’. In the works of wuxia novelist Gu Long (古龙), most notably the Sentimental Swordsman, Ruthless Sword (多情剑客无情剑) series, this is a book compiled by the fictional martial arts scholar Bai Xiaosheng (百晓生), which ranks the most notable fighters in the jianghu in accordance with their martial capabilities. [return to text]
- In Chinese, the saying 以小人之心度君子之腹, literally ‘to measure a gentleman’s stomach by a scoundrel’s heart’. It describes someone who unfairly judges another person’s noble character by reference to their own petty standards or intentions. The saying originates from the Zuo Zhuan (左传, also translated as The Tradition of Zuo or The Commentary of Zuo), a major commentary on The Spring and Autumn Annals (春秋). The latter is one of the ‘Five Classics’ associated with Confucianism. Little is known of the Zuo Zhuan‘s creation or authorship. [return to text]
- In Chinese, the saying 流氓会文化, 走遍天下都不怕, literally ‘if a scoundrel becomes cultured, wherever he goes in the world, he need not be afraid’. It means that, where a scoundrel has acquired an education and become cultured, this combined with his base instincts will make him even more of threat. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 