Purely by Accident – Chapter 43
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There’s a phrase called ‘drowning one’s sorrows’.[1] It means when someone has nobody to pour their heart out to, nowhere to vent their grievances, and no other means for soothing the wounds in their heart, they’ll seek solace in drink, painting themselves into a picture of abject, self-pitying misery.
This was not an method I personally subscribed to, perhaps because no great tragedy had really befallen me so far. The saddest I had ever been was when I thought Chu Feichen no longer cared for me, and even then I’d spent most of my time thinking up schemes for making her as miserable as me, rather than evaluating for myself the effectiveness of drinking to forget my sorrows. Well, it was too late for regrets on the score now. So, although I had my doubts as to the efficacy of such an approach, I was hardly qualified to express an opinion on it.
At this very moment, Princess Chu Feiyu was demonstrating through her actions that she was a dedicated adherent to the art of drowning one’s sorrows. However, it seemed to me that the results were somewhat less than desired. From high noon till sunset, empty flagon after empty flagon was whisked away from her and replaced with a brimming one each time, yet the wine only seem to make her eyes shine more and more brightly — so brightly that they pierced my heart.
I looked up at the darkening sky, then back at my companion. Oh, what a worrisome child she was indeed. Lamps were being lit one by one in the street below, and merry young couples were already beginning to walk by arm-in-arm.
‘Come home soon,’ Chu Feichen had said to me this morning. Those words had already replayed themselves in my mind over and over. After some deliberation, I finally turned to Chu Feiyu and said, ‘Sanmei, it’s getting late. Let’s stop drinking, shall we?’
Chu Feiyu had just brought her cup to her lips. She turned it round and round on her fingertips a few times, then finally set it down. Her ink-dark eyes fixed themselves unwaveringly on me.
I felt very uneasy. I was not particularly well acquainted with the way members of the Chu family were wont to behave when drunk. My only experience of it had been when Chu Feichen had had too much wine at the family banquet back at the palace, and, well, the memory of what had happened after that was still very fresh in my mind. What if Chu Feiyu, poor lost child that she was, were to take after his sister in that regard? What if your comely bandit chief’s great beauty, I fretted, were to rouse all the basest, most primitive instincts in her?
Carefully, I tucked the folds of my robes more tightly around myself.
Chu Feiyu was clearly much better at holding her drink than her sister. Her lips compressed into a thin line as she glanced down at the street. ‘It really is late,’ she said, her voice low. She somehow contrived to enunciate each syllable with perfect clarity.
I let out a sigh of relief. ‘Then let’s go home?’
She turned back, her gaze half-hidden by her eyelids. ‘It’s Shangyuan today — the night when lovers come together under the full moon.’ She paused, then suddenly looked up again, her lips quirking in a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. ‘I apologise, jiefu, for taking up so much of the time you should have been spending with my sister.’
I flushed; my selfish intentions had been discovered.
Without vacillation, Chu Feiyu stood up, tossed a silver ingot onto the table, and strode towards the stairs. They were steep and rather cramped; her footing seemed somewhat precarious as she went down them. I followed closely behind her, stopping and starting again when she did. A cold, anxious sweat broke out all over me.
When we reached the tavern’s front door, Chu Feiyu paused momentarily and looked back over her shoulder, offering me a smile. ‘Jiejie must be waiting for you at home to go lantern-watching with her. You should hurry back — we’ll drink together again the next time we get the chance!’
I nodded. She turned and began to walk away, tottering slightly. From behind, she looked rather frail. Her figure drew a long shadow over the paving stones, from the illumination of all the lanterns that were now strung up along the street. The neighbourhood was beginning to fill with pedestrians, and she drew looks from many of them as she passed, no doubt on account of her beauty. Some of these passersby, unsatisfied with a single glance, even turned their heads to stare openly at her, completely heedless of the risk they ran of colliding into a fellow pedestrian, or a tree.
I looked up again at the sky, then at the route that would take me home, which of course lay in completely the opposite direction from the one Chu Feiyu was walking in. I let out a sigh, then jogged up to where she was and fell into step beside her.
Chu Feiyu glanced at me sidelong. ‘I’m not drunk,’ she said.
‘I know,’ I said, keeping my head down and counting my steps.
She sighed and said nothing more, only jerked her head round to look at some lanterns hanging in the distance.
If Zhao Yishu were the one with her now, I found myself wondering, would that make her happier? I had no idea. All I knew with any certainty was, if Chu Feichen were the woman at my side instead, I would have a hundred times more things to say, my eyes would shine a thousand times brighter, and I would know exactly what to do with my hands.
At length, we finally reached the manor belonging to Vice-Minister Zhao Tingyun, Chu Feiyu’s father-in-law. Brilliant lanterns hung on either side of the front gates, but beyond them, all I could see was darkness. The sight reminded me of a hungry wolf, with its glowing eyes and gaping maw. I watched from some distance away as Chu Feiyu stepped across the threshold, then turned tail and ran for home like mad. All along the way, the chill wind howled in my ears; lanterns flickered and flared.
When I finally stepped through the gates of my own home, the first thing I saw was Chu Feichen — with Silly Girl in attendance — sitting with Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen on the cluster of stone benches in the front courtyard, chatting away about something I couldn’t quite hear. Lanterns hung from the walls that surrounded the courtyard, casting a gentle glow over the little party. The smiles on their faces were real and warm.
I was suddenly overcome with emotion.
It was Silly Girl who spotted me first. She bent and whispered something into the princess’ ear. Then Chu Feichen turned and smiled at me. She was sitting some ten or so steps away from me, so I couldn’t quite make out every single detail of her expression, but that did absolutely nothing to stop my heart from fluttering wildly.
Slowly I stepped forward, my eyes never leaving her face. Her expression grew clearer and clearer: joy, mixed with the barest, almost imperceptible trace of reproach. When my hand finally found its resting place in hers, she stood up and gazed deeply into my eyes. Then she parted her lips and said, ‘You’re late.’ A simple statement of fact.
Were we not in public, and had an impressionable young person like Silly Girl not been present, I would have kissed that lovely mouth of hers without hesitation. As it was, I only went on holding her hand, and said, ‘Mm.’
‘It’s so cold,’ said Yi Chen suddenly.
‘It really is,’ Xu Ziqi echoed. ‘Look, I’ve broken out into goosebumps! Come on, let’s get back to our quarters.’
Silly Girl looked from one of them to the other. ‘Is it cold?’ she wondered out loud. ‘Why don’t I feel it?’ The next moment, Yi Chen had dragged her away.
And then Chu Feichen and I were alone.
Finally giving in to the clamourings of my heart, I leaned forward and kissed her. She paused for a moment, then reached out and cupped my face with one hand. She parted her lips, and her tongue found its way nimbly into my mouth, where it tangled sweetly with my own.
Chu Feichen had never been quite this forward before, so I opened my eyes slightly to look at her. Her expression was untroubled, intent. Her eyes were half-hidden behind the long fringe of her lashes, and the lanterns cast a lambent glow over her face.
If I could choose only a single instant to remember for the rest of my life, I thought, let it be this one.
Our kiss finally wended its way to an end. Chu Feichen wrapped both arms around my neck, panting slightly. From those lovely lips — which were an even more brilliant red than they had been moments ago — issued forth another statement of fact. ‘Wei Zisong, you’ve been drinking.’
Grinning, I leaned closer and stole another kiss. ‘Mm. And how do I taste?’
She ran her tongue around the corners of her mouth, which made her look exceptionally adorable. ‘Hm, I can’t quite tell what kind of wine it was. Daughter’s red?[2] Or fragrance-for-ten-miles?’[3]
Ah, an oblique demand for a kiss then, albeit couched in different words. Obligingly, I brought my face closer to hers. ‘Why don’t you have another taste?’ I suggested invitingly.
Chu Feichen placed a palm against my cheek and drew back a little. Her hand made its way slowly up to my ear, to which she gave a threatening little twist. ‘And exactly who were you drinking with? You said this morning that you were going to the Hanlin Academy — so it must have been with that Xiao Lin Zi of yours?’
That devastatingly beautiful face turned grim, but I could tell that it was but a facade. The faint upward curve of her lips gave away the fact that my formidable wife was no more than a paper tiger — and your intrepid bandit chief was in the bad habit of baiting such creatures. Pressing my cheek against hers, I said, ‘I really wasn’t with Xiao Lin Zi! It’s the Shangyuan Festival today, so of course I spent the day with the lovely ladies of the pleasure quarter.’
Chu Feichen’s expression quivered momentarily. She turned to look at me, and a single syllable issued forth coolly from her throat. ‘Oh?’
That was a long-drawn-out ‘oh’; it carried with it a full panoply of echoes, it wound its way through a veritable labyrinth of tones. No more games, I realised, and kissed her hastily on the cheek to reassure her of my loyalty. ‘I might have been with the ladies of the pleasure quarter in body, but my heart was right here with you!’ I declared.
Chu Feichen smiled then. Her faintly cool fingertips slid tenderly downwards from the point of my nose and paused just over my heart, where she gave me a light tap. ‘I want your heart, of course, and as for your body’ — here she cocked an eyebrow wickedly — ‘I’ll have that as well, Wei Zisong!’
I couldn’t help but shiver. I’m done for, I thought. The expression on her face was that of an out-and-out cad, but why did it look so irresistible to me?
Hooking a hand through the collar of my robes, she began walking backwards, slowly and deliberately. Her eyes did not leave mine for a single moment. ‘Let’s go.’
I trailed along helplessly in her wake. ‘Where are we going?’
She smiled again; it was captivating enough to turn any living soul’s heart upside down. ‘To our bedchamber!’
That smile, those words — she had all the swagger of the mistress of a bandit stronghold. As the chief of the stronghold in question, I could hardly allow myself to be outdone, so I stepped forward and scooped her into my arms, lifting her off the ground. Thanks to the fine dishes and exquisite viands served up by the palace kitchens, which were too delicate to put much flesh on the bones of those who supped on them, and thanks to the endless buckets of water I used to haul every day from the stream to the stronghold, my footing remained perfectly steady as I marched forward with my wife in my arms.
The lady herself leaned her head on my shoulder, laughing softly. ‘What is it?’ I asked her. ‘Are you about to tell me how dreadfully improper this all is?’
She tweaked my earlobe. ‘Why would it be improper? Anything I wish to do becomes the very essence of propriety itself!’
Oh, what a wife I had! No wonder I felt as if the depths of my heart were overflowing with love; no wonder I felt as if I could do the most audacious of deeds.
When we reached our bedchamber, however, I swiftly realised that I was not the one destined to perform audacious deeds this night. As I leaned over her on the bed, she spoke a single soft sentence that was devastating enough to make me give over my sovereignty in the most humbling fashion, and to cede large swathes of my body and soul to her as a token of my fealty.
What she said was, ‘Be a good girl and lie back, my Shangyuan present.’
Her hands and mouth drifted lightly over my skin. Those soft lips roamed over my eyes, the tip of my nose, the corners of my mouth, teasing me until I gave in to temptation and tried to capture her lips with mine — only for her to turn her head suddenly and take my earlobe into her mouth.
I had never until now realised that was my weak spot. All she did was suck gently on it, and a delicious tingle immediately spread all over my body; a muffled sigh escaped from my throat. Oh, now I’d completely lost whatever initiative I’d had; my face felt as if it were aflame.
Chu Feichen finished undoing my belt, then reached up and caressed the outline of my lips. ‘Cry out if you want to,’ she said with a low laugh. ‘Why hold yourself back?’
I bit my lip, trying to repress my heavy breathing, and forced my features into as rakish a smile as I could manage. ‘I’ve mastered the art of endurance — I can hold anything back!’
Her smile became even more wicked. In short order, she had stripped me of my clothes. Her lips left my earlobe and wandered downwards, burying themselves in my chest. ‘Then let’s see how long it takes me to overcome your defences,’ she said.
And then her mouth was licking and sucking at my breast. My shy, retiring bosom rarely saw the light of day; now that it was the recipient of such undivided attention, I barely knew how to feel. Waves of pleasure seemed to be radiating outwards from where her lips were touching me. My other breast, untended to, suddenly felt rather forlorn. I had to dig my nails into the palms of my hands to bite back the gasps that were on the verge of escaping my throat. My eyes fell open blankly, and suddenly I felt that the robes she was still wearing had become very, very inconvenient. Reaching out, I ripped them forcefully from her.
Just as her nude body — as exquisite as if it had been sculpted from white jade — was revealed in its full glory before my eyes, she took my nipple gently between her teeth. Stars danced in front of my eyes. It was impossible for me to hold myself back any longer, and something that sounded very like a moan escaped my lips. My voice was so soft and yielding and thick with need that I startled even myself.
Chu Feichen leaned back a little and drew out the golden hairpin that held up her coiffure. Her hair came cascading down, the soft tendrils brushing softly against my face. She brought her lips up to my throat, nibbling gently at the skin just above the delicately pulsing vein there. Overcome by the sensation, I tilted my head up; her lips followed suit, finding mine in a kiss. ‘Can’t hold it back any longer, can you?’ she asked indistinctly.
This was maddening beyond all endurance.
My defences were on the verge of being overrun by the charming opponent on top of me, so I decided to launch an offensive of my own. Placing a hand on the back of her neck, I drew her face down to mine, and slipped my tongue boldly into her mouth. A tremor went through her, then her hand made its way unhurriedly down to my waist and past it, lingering at the juncture of my thighs.
I could feel myself beginning to quiver where Chu Feichen was touching me. Reflexively, I broke off the kiss to suck in a few gasps of air. She took advantage of that to turn the tables on me: her tongue found its way nimbly into my mouth.
A single moment’s inattention, and I had lost the battle — nay, the war. My fortresses had fallen; my ramparts were being overrun. Chu Feichen swept over me like an irresistible force, setting everything aflame. Her lips burned against my skin, but her fingertips were, as usual, faintly cool. I was caught between them, suffering the sweet torments of both ice and fire.
And now my fair nemesis, not content with assaulting my senses, chose to mount an attack on my heart as well. Assembling her troops before my last line of defence, she whispered coaxingly into my ear, ‘Spread your legs a little more, there’s a good girl.’
Oh, my dearest, darling, most overbearing royal rake.
Her fingers thrust home, and I surrendered utterly. There was pain, of course; I hissed through my clenched teeth. My charming conquerer’s lips found mine. ‘How does that feel? Are you all right?’ she asked, all honeyed tenderness.
I clutched her tightly to me. ‘Being a woman is painful enough; becoming a real woman is even more painful!’
Her fingers and lips moved gently against me, in me; I felt as if my body had become lighter than air. All I could do was follow where she led me, soaring above the mundane dust of this world, to the very pinnacle of pleasure that mortal flesh had to offer.
Some considerable time later — I had no idea how long — when the flickering candles on the bedside table were on the verge of burning out, Chu Feichen finally rolled off me. ‘You said you had mastered the art of endurance, but it must have been one of those techniques that are based on celibacy!’[4] she said with a smile, dabbing away some of the sweat from my temples. ‘Your defences were doomed to crumble the day you gave that up.’
My mind was so addled that the contents of my skull felt as if they had become some sort of gluey mess, but I still knew the meaning of humiliation. Unceremoniously, I opened my mouth and bit down on her collarbone, leaving a loving, exasperated mark.
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Footnotes:
- In Chinese, the chengyu 借酒消愁, literally ‘borrow wine to dispel sorrows’. The chengyu originates from The Biography of Education Superintendent Chen of Hougang (后冈陈提学传) by the Ming Dynasty writer, playwright and literary critic Li Kaixian (李开先). [return to text]
- In Chinese, 女儿红. A variety of yellow wine (see footnote 1 to Chapter 17) originating from the city of Shaoxing, in the province of Zhejiang. The wine is brewed from glutinous rice and wheat. The wine evolves from the Shaoxing tradition of burying a container of it underground when a girl is born to the family, and digging it up for the wedding banquet when she is to be married. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 十里香. A variety of baijiu (白酒, literally ‘white (or clear) wine’) which originates from Botou city in the province of Hebei. The wine is brewed from sorghum, rice, glutinous rice, wheat and maize. [return to text]
- In Chinese cultivation (修真) novels (see footnote 3 to Chapter 24), a school of mystical/martial arts training which requires its practitioners to abstain from sex. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 