Purely by Accident – Chapter 49

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That spring, when the flowers were blooming and the world seemed to be bursting with new life, I met the woman who was destined to haunt me for the rest of my life. My name is Chu Feichen; I am the Eldest Princess of the Yan Empire.

Afterwards, I was to ponder carefully this question: was it fortune or misfortune that I had been born a royal princess?

As a child, that was not a question I’d thought about at all. Back then, the palace had seemed enormous to me. Each day, once I was finished with my lessons, I would spend the rest of my time running wild through the gardens. Every now and then my father would say, ‘My Chen’er is the cleverest girl in the world,’ and joy would warm the very cockles of my heart. But once my mother had looked at me with no small worry in her eyes, and sighed obliquely, ‘Oh, if only my Chen’er hadn’t been born into the royal family!’

I did not know what she meant at the time. It was only after I’d grown up a little, experienced something of the world, and fallen in love once or twice, that I finally realised: my mother had been a wise woman indeed.

I used not to believe in fate. But later, much later, when my hands caressed that person’s face for the very last time, I was finally compelled to acknowledge that, as a royal princess, from very moment of my birth, I’d been destined to live out the rest of my life alone.

That person had been the woman I loved. When I first met her, I’d just emerged from a heartbreak.

Is it the case that every time a young girl experiences the first stirrings of romance, she’ll meet a handsome young man who serves as a ready repository for those feelings? And simply because he fits the idea of the perfect lover in her nebulous imaginings, she unhesitatingly offers up her whole heart to him?

What a pity that the vows of young love are so fragile. In the space of a single day, the man who had promised me again and again that he was going to ask my father for my hand in marriage had sought my sister’s instead.

Everyone who heard the news would no doubt sigh: where a woman is concerned, great intelligence is still no match for peerless beauty. But I only gave a cold inward chuckle and thought, using your choice of wife to curry favour with Grand Marshal Wang Zhuoyi, are you? Exactly how many subterfuges does that heart of yours hold, Zhao Yishu?

It wasn’t that I felt no sadness. But I was more perplexed than hurt. If something that had been the bedrock of my life for so many years could shift so completely from under my feet, then what was there left that I could believe in? Perhaps it was true that no genuine love could blossom here in the corridors of power.

For the next little while, I became quite despondent. My air of being unutterably weary of life probably made me seem very forlorn to my father, and so he began, every now and then, to speak approvingly of this young gentleman or that promising noble scion. On more than one occasion, I barely managed to stop myself from asking him whether he was planning to give up his throne and take up matchmaking as a profession.

And so, when the opportunity presented itself, I slipped out of the palace with only a couple of attendants for company and went on a tour of sorts across the empire, as a diversion. That was how, completely out of the blue, I met Wei Zisong.

It was only long after that that I realised, compared to the anguish she brought me, Zhao Yishu’s betrayal barely counted for anything. He was but a vague adolescent fancy; Wei Zisong was my predestined undoing.

The firs time I saw her, she was a bandit chief, and I the luckless woman who had been abducted to serve as the mistress of her stronghold. When I opened my eyes, I was lying on her bed. I still remember the first words she ever said to me: ‘I wasn’t me! I wasn’t the one who kidnapped you! I didn’t do it!’

Her eyes were very clear, very limpid, and completely guileless. That, paired with her upraised hands, made her look the very picture of a perfect gentleman, a fine upstanding youth; there was no trace of the bandit about her.

Although she soon proved herself to be a scoundrel indeed. As I lay immobilised, she stroked my hand, and not content with that, caressed my cheek as well. If that had been all, I could have shrugged it off, as if it were no more than an attack from a particularly aggressive dog. The look on her face as she perpetrated these outrages, however, was so natural, so matter-of-fact, and so completely without shame, that I was sure she must do this sort of thing all the time. You bloody bandit, I thought at the time. If I ever get my hands on you, I’ll show you!

And then she said she wanted to put on a sham wedding to trick her brothers-in-arms, and allow me to leave the stronghold.

Reason told me not to believe a single word this bandit had to say, but those clear, limpid eyes of hers looked so pure that they seemed never to have partaken of the dust of this guilty world. And so, for no reason I could name, I found myself trusting her. Besides, it wasn’t as if I had a better way of escaping, was it?

At the banquet, she whispered to me that she was actually a woman. I was taken aback, but even in the midst of my surprise, I felt that it made sense. Such a pretty face was rarely seen on a man, after all.

The way down the mountain was steep and winding. She did not speak much, but every now and again, when we reached a particularly difficult stretch of path, she would hold out a hand — which looked well-formed and shapely in the faint moonlight, and felt warm against mine — to help me navigate it.

When we left the palace, I had arranged with Zhongliang and Sizhen that we should find our way to the local administrative bureau if we were ever to be separated. But I hadn’t expected that, when the governor invited us to stay at his manor, I would encounter that mysterious little bandit again.

Except this time, she was the governor’s ‘son’.

She was still as impetuous as before. The first thing she did, when making her appearance, was to knock me over. When she heard her father call out, ‘Your Highness, have mercy,’ the look of mingled shock and terror that appeared on her face was nothing short of adorable.

Suddenly, I had the urge to bring this ‘husband’ of mine — with whom I’d already gone through a wedding ceremony — back with me to the palace, both to satisfy my father’s matchmaker instincts and to amuse myself. She looked quite young: I would conscript her for three years, I decided, and after that I would set her at liberty to marry whomever she pleased. And as for myself, by then Huairen would be old enough to hold his own, and I would be free to wander the realm and see the sights. What a pleasant prospect!

As I’d expected, she was a timid one indeed. I only had to murmur once or twice, ‘The forfeiture of your family’s property and the extermination of your bloodline,’ for her to acquiesce meekly to my plan. Her reluctance, however, was written all over her face, and I had to repress the urge to reach out and tweak that pouty little mouth.

When those bandits ambushed us in the foothills, however, that same timid little rogue who’d given up on her principles with barely a whimper placed herself unostentatiously between me and them. And it was she who, having no idea at all how matters stood, had reassured me that, ‘Princess, whatever your reasons are, I’ll do everything I can to help you. I will, I promise!’

I can still remember the look on her face as she’d said that: determination, mingled with a kind of protective tenderness. Like the warm breeze that had been blowing that night, those words wrapped themselves comfortingly around me.

The moment I realised that pretty-boy face of hers was really rather good-looking was on the viewing platform at Duanyuang. She was standing at the bow of the dragon boat that had just won the race, her robes fluttering in the breeze that blew across the river. Behind her were the rowers and the drummer, bare-armed and bare-chested, and in the distance was the throng of spectators. Through the crowd, one could catch occasional glimpses of the horizon, where the sky and river met. Just by standing there, she somehow managed to outshine every single person in sight, as well as all the natural glories of the landscape. I couldn’t help smiling at her.

But she, the oblivious girl, seemed not to see it. And then, notwithstanding her gormlessness, admirers — men and women alike! — came rushing up to offer her tokens of their affection. Inwardly I mourned their poor taste and judgment.

Still, she was clear-headed enough to use me as a means of fobbing off unwanted attentions. Being in the habit of offering succor to those in need, I could hardly stand by and allow her to be pestered by that burly, lovestruck man. So I took off a jade pendant I’d worn since childhood, held it out to her, and improvised a form of words I thought suited the occasion: ‘I don’t have a sachet with me, alas. But perhaps this jade pendant will suffice to bind you to me?’

The brilliant light that sparked suddenly in her eyes made an answering heat rise up in my chest.

At the time, I had no idea how powerful her ability for drawing in admirers was. She’d only been settled in her new home for a few days when she somehow contrived to ‘attract’ a red handkerchief to her — and one that I was all too familiar with, at that.

I cannot describe in words how I felt when I saw that handkerchief. It was as if history was repeating itself, and this time, a rush of bitterness welled up in my heart. I wasn’t sure, at the time, why my mind should have fixed on the phrase ‘history is repeating itself’. After all, Wei Zisong was a woman, and the agreement between us was one of pure expediency, and for a mere three years at that. Why then did I storm out of that house disappointed, feeling as if I had made a fool of myself, when I had come to see her in such high spirits?

Without really thinking about it, I’d flung at her bitter words of estrangement: ‘Our agreement — and whatever else might be between us — is over.’

A long time after that, once I finally realised I’d fallen in love with her — or, to put it another way, once I finally admitted that I’d fallen in love with her — I would often reflect that, given my prideful nature, Wei Zisong was probably the only person in the world who could bear with my moods again and again, forgiving all of my harsh words and deeds with infinite patience and love.

And then the silly child decided to sneak into my manor under the cover of night.

The sight of her standing in that courtyard filled me with so much panic that I broke out into a cold sweat. My manor was very securely guarded; had she triggered any of the alarms that had been set throughout the grounds, she would be dead ten times over. Trembling with rage and the aftershocks of my fear, I had Xiao Hei lock her in the woodshed for the night.

Somehow, she was resourceful enough to find her way back to my rooms later that night, and bold enough to immobilise me by sealing my acupoints. I spent quite some time after that pondering an important question: had I been treating her so well that she’d forgotten even how to spell ‘fear’?

But despite that, when she told me she cared for me, her eyes red-rimmed with tears, my heart softened unavoidably. And when her lips found their way to my throat, and I felt her pure breath against my cheek, I was suddenly seized by the impulse to keep her by my side for the rest of my life.

What, I thought, in all the hells.

The night, I listed off all her positive qualities in my mind. She was good-looking, she always said the sweetest things, she treated me well, and most importantly, when she told me she cared for me, the heart which I’d thought dead to all the pleasures life had to offer had suddenly fluttered. Very well then, I thought, and arranged for her to meet my grandmother the empress dowager.

After that encounter on Luoxia Hill, my grandmother called her a most upright and honourable young man, and spoke of how she stood out from all the sons of nobility at court. But all I could see in my mind’s eye was the sight of her trying valiantly to look dashing while sprawled face-first on the ground. In the stifling heat of that summer night, I laughed long and loudly to myself.

How long does it take one person to fall in love with another? I do not know. All I know is, when I heard her tell her servant, ‘Of all the women in the world, whether you’ve laid eyes on them before or not, the prettiest one is and always will be the princess,’ all the tenderness that had lain dormant in my heart came gushing forth. From then on, my heart couldn’t help but soften whenever I looked at her, or spoke to her, or came across anything to do with her.

That was a feeling I’d never had before. Even with Zhao Yishu, I had depended on him more than I yearned after him; I had received from him more devotion than I had given. But when it came to Wei Zisong, that shiftless little bandit, I finally understood what it meant to long constantly for someone, to have my thoughts completely filled with her.

This state of affairs unsettled me greatly. I felt as if I’d fallen in love with the little rogue, but how could that be? With that lackadaisical air of hers, there seemed to be nothing she was capable of taking seriously. And besides, she was a woman!

At the time, I could not be sure of my own heart. And so, on our wedding night, when her yearning lips sought out mine, I told her hesitantly, ‘Zisong, give me some time,’ even though my heart was brimming over with sweetness.

I don’t know if it was those words that rankled within her, that planted the seed of her doubt in me. Or perhaps she had doubted me all this while, even though she kept it hidden well.

That punch she threw at Zhao Yishu was the most vicious one I’d ever seen from her. I was utterly terrified that he would hurt her in retaliation. In that moment, I was suddenly certain that I loved her, no matter that she was sometimes a muddleheaded little creature, no matter that she was a woman.

It was precisely because of this that her reckless attack on Zhao Yishu upset me. And then she turned on me! When those lips — usually so infinitely tender — ravaged mine with unaccustomed roughness, I slapped her almost reflexively.

The instant I heard the smack of my palm against her cheek, I regretted it. The shock and hurt on her face made my heart shrivel into a tight knot.

That was the first time she ever lost her temper with me. She leapt off the coach without so much as a backward glance, much less giving me the chance to cup her cheek and say some soothing words of comfort.

I stayed up that night waiting for her, but drifted to sleep without seeing her come in. The next morning, at breakfast, I came into the main hall to see her sitting there as large as life, looking as if nothing had happened.

I thought that her temper must have faded as quickly as it had flared up, like a child’s tantrum. By way of extending an olive branch, I held out a bowl to her, waiting for her to fill it with porridge. But not only did she pretend not to know what I meant, she even said carelessly that we should sleep in separate rooms!

Very well, Wei Zisong, I thought. If it’s separate rooms you want, that’s what you’ll get. From now on, the only thing you’ll be hugging to sleep is that terrible temper of yours!

And then, for the best part of the month, the petty-minded girl managed to stop herself from coming to see me even once. Fine, I thought. If you won’t come to me, I’ll humour you, and I’ll go to you instead.

What I saw, when I arrived, was Wei Zisong with that childhood sweetheart of hers. They were gazing out at the snowscape in the most romantic fashion, their arms around each other’s shoulders. I, for my part, felt as if that deep winter’s snow had been suddenly transformed into the young green apricots of springtime, filling my heart with the tartness of jealousy.^[1]

Wei Zisong, do you really think you’re free to run amok like this just because I haven’t reined you in yet?

At my father’s banquet, all that wine went to my head, so that when I felt her warm body against mine, I melted completely; I was powerless to resist her, even if I had wanted to. Then all I knew were her lips and tongue, roaming with infinite tenderness all over my body, each kiss and each caress a promise: forever and ever, forever and ever.

And at the time, I thought we truly would be together forever. But I was far too naive. Before fate can take away everything you hold dear, it must first give you something to treasure. Then from its lofty perch, it can watch with cool amusement as you, a mere mortal, have your painfully-won gains ripped away from you again and again.

A few days after Wang Zhuoyi and his co-conspirators began to show signs of restlessness, I was stopped by Zhao Yishu when I entered the palace to have breakfast with the empress dowager. He told me that Wei Zisong was the orphaned child of the deposed emperor of Qi, and that she had been plotting with Wang Zhuoyi to overthrow my father in exchange for troops to help her regain the throne.

He did not speak particularly quickly, but it will still a good while before I could fully take in his words. I stood staring at him for a long moment before finally asking, ‘How do you know?’

A look of resignation crossed Zhao Yishu’s handsome face. ‘Feichen,’ he said, ‘the day I asked for your sister’s hand in marriage, in obedience to my father’s orders, did you really think I was doing it for the sake of gaining Wang Zhuoyi’s favour? What I’ve always thought was, with me nominally in his faction, I would be able to counter his influence, and make things a little easier on you.’

He looked at me, his eyes shining as brightly as they’d done all those years ago, when he used to climb over the wall outside my rooms to bring me a kite, or a book, or some other little gift. But I could not believe him. Not because I had no trust in him or in all the pains he had taken, but because I did not believe Zisong would ever betray me. She would never do such a thing, never ever, because she was Wei Zisong.

It was dark when I finally returned home. Even from a great distance away, I could see Zisong standing in the front courtyard. When I started up the steps, she immediately sprang forward and put a supportive arm around my waist. My heart melted completely.

She was so gentle, so thoughtful, so considerate. My Zisong would never betray me, never ever.

Alas, as things turned out, I’d thought too highly of myself.

On that fateful evening, as I lay in bed, I could feel her gaze sweeping over my face, again and again. Was it doubt? Or reluctance? But why, then, did she turn away so decisively in the end?

By the time I opened my eyes, any hope I’d had left was as faint as a single smouldering lump of coal half-buried in snow.

And at the tavern, when I heard what she had to say, it was as if she’d poured cold water over those faint embers of hope, completely extinguishing any remaining spark. I could not forgive her.

Especially when she didn’t even try to explain herself. She simply stared at me and said, in a voice that was perfectly steady, ‘You tricked me.’

I tricked you? I tricked you? How could I ever hope to match the lengths you’ve gone to, to deceive me so completely?

What a pitiful thing a woman in love is. When Zhao Yishu handed me the map, I did not have the courage to unfold it. If this really does turn out to be a map of the secret passageways beneath the palace, Wei Zisong, what do you expect me to do? And what do you expect me to do with you?

No. I can’t let this map fall into anyone else’s hands.

I’ll tear it up, and in doing so, tear up any last faint hope we might have had of a future together.

I can’t let you die. But from now on, let me forget all about you. I’ll stay in the palace, and you can live out your life far beyond its walls. Let us go our separate ways.

From now on, all bonds between us are broken, and all debts are wiped away, completely and irrevocably.

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Footnotes:

Sourness as a metaphor for envy or jealousy is often seen in Chinese idioms and forms of speech. For instance, a jealous person is often said to be ‘eating vinegar’ (吃醋). ^{[return to text]}