Purely by Accident – Chapter 50
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Xiping District lay in the northernmost corner of the Yan Empire, and consisted mostly of a single small town. A wise philosopher had once said, wherever people gather, feuds are born.[1] The people of this small town, however, were simple, honest, unsuspecting folk, possibly because there were so few of them. So when Xiao Hei turned up there, dressed in the close-fitting black clothes that marked him out as a practitioner of martial arts and with me — looking more dead than alive — in tow, we met with fairly little in the way of suspicious glances and wary questions.
That was a good thing.
I did not know how Xiao Hei had managed to get me out of that prison. Given my status as a convicted traitor, the powers that be were sure to want me in custody at all times. Even if they thought me dead, there was no way they would simply let the disappearance of my corpse slide. But the fact of the matter was that I had disappeared, which I supposed made me a fugitive instead of a prisoner. And to a fugitive, there was nothing better than a calm, quiet environment in which I could lie low.
The lands of the people of Huaxia were divided in two, and your resourceful bandit chief now found herself topping the list of most wanted criminals in both empires. What an honour indeed.
Xiao Hei had said nothing about returning to Tengzhou. I surmised that his identity must have been exposed when he was snatching my ‘corpse’ — which meant that he, the august commander of the princess’ personal guard, now had no choice but to become a fugitive along with me. This caused me more than a twinge of guilt.
Xiao Hei took great care of me. From seeking out suitable lodgings to tidying up the garden outside the house we now lived in to cooking our meals and laundering our clothes, he did it all. As I watched him at his work, I sighed somewhat shamefacedly to myself: Those who serve at the princess’ manor really are quite something! Every single one of them was probably the kind of multi-talented polymath one heard so much about — eminently suited for the brave new world of work.
The princess’ manor. The princess.
As those words rose up unbidden in my mind, my brow furrowed slightly. Ever since I’d emerged from that prison, this was how I’d found myself responding each time I thought of Chu Feichen. I wasn’t sure whether it was physiological in nature — the after-effects of the drugged wine I’d drunk — or whether it was purely psychological — the inevitable result of having had my heart broken.
To tell the truth, I was beginning to think of Chu Feichen less and less often. After all, I’d always been a rather cold and unfeeling sort of person. How else could I have brought myself to abandon my real father in the chaos of war and take up a comfortable life as the ‘son’ of another man, all without a single qualm of conscience? If I could give up even that familial bond, how much more easily could I give up something as flighty as romantic love? Life was good, after all, and there were so many other things one could do. Why should I cling on to the past?
Although that wasn’t quite accurate either. There really wasn’t much for me to do in this tiny border town. What made it somewhat bearable was that spring had come, and the air was growing warmer with each passing day. The willow saplings that Xiao Hei had planted in the garden were beginning to sprout, and the world seemed to be full of new life. During the day, I would often drag a rattan chair over to a patch of sunlight just by the window and lounge there with my eyes half-closed, basking in the warmth.
I found this a most satisfactory state of affairs. If not for the fact that Xiao Hei kept stealing glances at me in between his multitude of household tasks, wearing the gloomy expression of a man whose talents were going unappreciated, I could almost have forgotten that I was a fugitive.
One day, completely without preamble, he suddenly asked, ‘You weren’t really plotting treason, were you?’
I was lying back in my rattan chair. At those words, I opened my eyes abruptly. Warm sunshine poured straight into them; for a moment, I could see nothing but the clear skies beyond the window. Then the corners of my mouth curved upward, and I sat up a little straighter. ‘Don’t tell me you dared to rescue me without even making sure I wasn’t actually a traitor?’
Xiao Hei smiled then, a touch of bashfulness creeping over his frank, upright features.
I closed my eyes again. A few moments later, Xiao Hei spoke again. His slightly hesitant tones came clearly to my ears, borne along by the warm breeze. ‘Wei Xiong, to tell you the truth… the princess really does love you.’
The hand I’d placed on the armrest of my chair shook just a little. Slowly I opened my eyes again. ‘Now that we’ve left the capital,’ I told him, ‘let’s speak no more of what happened there, or of those who are still there.’
Let’s speak no more of the past.
Once I’d calmed down enough to think the matter over, I was sure that Chu Feichen really had loved me. If she’d only been trying to lure me into a trap, she wouldn’t have needed to offer herself up as bait. Proud woman that she was, had she not cared for me, she would never have forced herself to go through with her conjugal responsibilities. What a pity it was that she’d preferred to trust Zhao Yishu instead of me. Her love for me was hidden behind the greater love she had for her country — so well-concealed that it was difficult for me to even make out its contours. But I’d been greedy. What I’d wanted was her whole heart; what I’d wanted was to claim all of her love for myself. That was something she could not give, and likely would never be willing to give.
Well then. So be it. Could I not get on just as well without her?
Xiao Hei sidled slowly up to my chair. He placed a hand on the armrest and bent down slightly. His dark complexion now held a tinge of red, probably from the sun. Looking directly at me, he said clearly and deliberately, ‘Wei Xiong… I mean, Zisong, if you never want to think of the capital again, why don’t you stay with me from now on?’
There were so many layers of meaning to that question. Unless I’d grievously misunderstood him, what Xiao Hei had meant, if I were to paraphrase it in less oblique terms, was this: ‘Since you’ve had your heart broken, and I’m still unattached, why don’t the two of us make a go of it together?’
I had not realised until this very moment that Comrade Xiao Hei was a fellow follower of the way of the cut-sleeve. So I blinked at him for a good few moments, uncertain whether to fling up my arms and let out a triumphant cry of, ‘Hurrah! What a queer old world it is!’, or to pretend that I had no idea what was going on. But his gaze was so clear, and his expression was so matter-of-fact, that he looked as if the question he’d just asked me was a perfectly everyday one, like, ‘Have you eaten?’[2] A sort of blank came over my mind, and I found myself clapping him on the shoulder. ‘Let me think about it.’
It was only when his smile broadened so much that it was on the verge of taking over his whole face that I realised what I’d just said. I wanted to take those words back, but my denial stuck in my throat; I couldn’t get it out no matter how much I tried. So be it, then. They did say that the best way to recover from a broken heart was to embark on another romantic adventure, after all. Perhaps I could give that a try. The question is, Wei Zisong, is it men you like, or women?
That night, unusually, I was unable to sleep. The temperature was just right — neither too hot nor too cold — and my surroundings were very quiet. Yet I tossed and turned in bed, unable to drift off.
As the ancients had said:
You seek your desire but find it not;
It haunts you both in waking and in sleep.
You toss and turn upon your sleepless couch,
So boundlessly and endlessly you yearn.[3]
Then, Wei Zisong, what is it that you seek?
I let out a sigh, then rolled out of bed, resigned to wakefulness. I went over to the window and opened it. The moon shone down on me, full and fair.
My mind was filled suddenly with the memory of what had happened after the family banquet at the palace. Chu Feichen and I had been in her bedchamber, and the moon had been shining through the window just like this, its light flowing like water. Tenderly I’d said to her, ‘Princess, princess, it’s such a lovely evening. Will you allow Zisong to gaze upon the moon?’
The memory was so strong that all that seemed to have happened only last night, but at the same time, it felt so impossibly distant that it might as well have been a scene from a another lifetime. So close, yet so far. From now on, even the loveliest night would hold no charms for me.
Let’s not think about that anymore, I told myself. You have to move forward. Time for you to find a woman and work out where your desires truly lie.
It was easy enough for me to track down the only brothel in all of Xiping District. All I needed to do was step onto the main street. There it was, Xifang House: the only building to be lit up so invitingly — even suggestively — this late at night.
Xifang House was not a large establishment, but the service proved to be quite satisfactory. As soon as I stepped through the front door, an attendant led me to upstairs to a private room and brought me wine. ‘And what kind of young lady might you be looking for, young master?’ he asked respectfully.
What kind of young lady? A good question indeed.
A familiar face rose up reflexively in my mind. Rubbing at my temple with one hand, I waved him aside with the other and said, ‘I’m easy. Whichever young lady is free at present will do.’
With a murmured ‘yes’, the attendant departed.
A short while later, I heard dainty footsteps approaching the room, and then a clear voice said, ‘Good evening, young master, my name is Xiao He.’
I looked up.
Xiao He: her name meant ‘lotus’. As the poem went:
In faint cool breezes sway the violet leaves;
The morning dew bedaubs yon scarlet roofs.[4]
She was a lovely young lady indeed. Not being a frequenter of brothels, however, I did not feel an especial urge to get to know her better, so all I could do was drink.
I had never been much of a drinker. I found most wines to be much too harsh on the palate, and often a single mouthful would be enough to leave me red-faced and incapable of swallowing any more. But tonight — possibly because the wine at Xifeng House was so much gentler on the tongue, possibly because my tolerance for it had increased greatly at some point — I managed to finish a whole flagon to the accompaniment of Miss Xiao He’s pipa-playing[5] and singing.
I stood up, and a wind blew in through the window, sending the warmth from the wine spreading all through my limbs. I swayed on my feet, and Xiao He put down her pipa to come up to me and hold me steady. An unfamiliar floral scent filled my senses.
With a great effort, I managed to keep my eyes open, and turned my head to look at her. It could be that my eyes were dazed from all the wine, but from this close, she really did seem rather pretty.
Xiao He’s brow furrowed slightly. ‘Young master?’ she said softly.
I heard myself let out a long, heartfelt sigh.
And then, I thought I had a dream. Ever since leaving Tengzhou, I had not dreamt of Chu Feichen even once. But tonight, for some reason, my mind was full of her.
She was leaning over me, her hands caressing my face over and over again. Her gaze was heavy with unadulterated sorrow. When she finally closed her eyes and bent to place a kiss on my forehead, a cool droplet of something fell onto my face. I could smell a rich, plum-blossom scent as she murmured, her lips still pressed against my forehead, ‘Wei Zisong, goodbye.’
My heart shrank into a tight knot, but I couldn’t move a single muscle. All I could do was watch helplessly as she turned and walked away — further and further away, until she disappeared into the distance. My world was suddenly engulfed in darkness.
Abruptly I opened my eyes. I was lying in a strange bed, and it was already morning.
My heart felt as if it were aching from a wound I had no words to describe. I stared up at the underside of the bed canopy for a long moment, thinking to myself: Wei Zisong, is it men you like, or women?
Neither, came the answer. It’s Chu Feichen you love.
It had always been her, and now, it seemed, it would always be her. No one else would do. Oh, how pathetic I was.
Then someone said from beside the bed, ‘You’re awake, young master?’
After a moment’s surprise, I recalled that I was at a brothel, and that the young woman speaking to me must be Miss Xiao He, one of the professionals in its employ.
Reflexively I looked down at myself.
Xiao He seemed to guess what I was thinking. ‘You had too much to drink last night, young master, so nothing happened,’ she said. Smiling, she walked slowly round to the foot of the bed and fixed her clear, bright eyes on me. Then her expression sobered suddenly. ‘Young master, who is Chu Feichen?’
The question shook me to my very core. I stared up at her disbelievingly.
She looked away and went on, a melancholy note in her voice, ‘If your heart already belongs to another, young master, why did you come to Xifang House? Do you know that when you were in the depths of your drunkenness last night, all you kept saying was, “Chu Feichen, if you don’t come for me soon, I’m going to find someone else to fall in love with”?’
I bit my lip, unable to think of anything to say.
Xiao He turned back to me, and I felt as if all my shame lay exposed before her clear, penetrating gaze. ‘Since you love her, why would you look for someone else to fall in love with?’
Slowly, very slowly, I shuffled my way home. When I opened the door, I saw someone standing motionless in the spot where I usually sunbathed. Their back was turned to me, and they had one hand on my rattan chair.
My hand froze on the door. That familiar figure — I wasn’t dreaming, was I?
Slowly she turned around, and her lips curved in a devastatingly beautiful smile. ‘Zisong.’
It wasn’t a dream.
***
Footnotes:
- In Chinese, 有人的地方就有江湖, literally ‘where people are, there the jianghu is’. The term ‘jianghu’, which typically denotes the world of martial artists, wandering adventurers, rebels and outlaws, is used here as shorthand to refer to conflicts and strife generally. The saying originates from the 1992 film Swordsman II (笑傲江湖之东方不败), adapted from the 1967 wuxia novel The Smiling, Proud Wanderer (笑傲江湖) by Jin Yong (金庸). [return to text]
- In Chinese, 吃了没, often used as a standard greeting which performs the same social function as ‘How are you?’ in English. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 求之不得, 寤寐思服. 悠哉悠哉, 辗转反侧. These lines are taken from the first poem in the Book of Odes (see footnote 3 to Chapter 26). The poem is about finding a beautiful, virtuous woman as a match for a nobleman. A more conventional translation can be found here at the Chinese Text Project. I have taken significant liberties with this translation, both to render it into iambic pentameter and to recontextualise it so as to better allow an English-first audience to understand why Zisong is quoting it here. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 微风摇紫叶, 轻露拂朱房. These lines originate from the shi poem ‘In Praise of the Lotus’ (咏芙蓉) by the Chinese historian, poet and politician Shen Yue (沈约), who lived during the Northern and Southern Dynasties period. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 琵琶. A traditional Chinese plucked string instrument, sometimes known as the ‘Chinese lute’, with a pear-shaped body and between 12 to 31 frets. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 