Purely by Accident – Chapter 51
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No one had ever told me how I should behave if I ever encountered a former lover, so I simply stood staring at Chu Feichen.
I’d left the capital only a little over a month ago, but so much had changed within me that the saying ‘when the vast blue sea becomes mulberry fields’[1] felt like an apt description. With the thousands and thousands of miles that lay between us, I had never imagined that Chu Feichen and I would ever meet again in this lifetime.
But now she was here, standing calmly and composedly in the spring sunshine, and looking so perfectly natural that it was as if we had never parted. On her face was that familiar smile. I felt as if we were back again in the capital city, and it was late afternoon, and I had just returned home from the Hanlin Academy to see her waiting for me in the front courtyard. As I came closer, her features would relax into a smile, and she would call out softly to me. ‘Zisong.’
That was a very strange sensation: I felt as if I’d finally come home. No matter how much I struggled against it, no matter how much I begrudged it, I still couldn’t help the sense of intimacy, of warmth, that had risen up in me the moment I saw her. Where Chu Feichen was, home was.
But even if that were the case, so what? She’d doubted me, deceived me, even wanted me dead. To this very day, I still could not forget the cold, unyielding look on her face as she’d torn up the map, nor the way she’d told me, ‘Everything I’ve ever said to you before — none of it counts.’
With so much bitter enmity between us, and so many misunderstandings, I did not know how she could stand there so calmly, as if none of it had happened.
So be it. I’d once sworn before a statute of the Buddha, in the flickering firelight of that derelict temple, that I would forget all about Chu Feichen for the rest of my life. The gods probably weren’t about to let me break that promise.
So I lowered my hand from the door and drew my features into a look of surprise as I stepped forward. I bowed to her, hands cupped respectfully before my chest, and said, ‘This is a private residence, my lady. Might I asked why you have come in uninvited?’
One of the advantages to having done a turn as a son-in-law of the Chu family was that my skills of improvisation had improved significantly. I felt quite in my element, putting on this little masquerade, though the shock and alarm that flashed across Chu Feichen’s face still stung my eyes slightly.
Chu Feichen looked as if she could barely believe her ears. She took a hesitant step forward, and when she finally opened her mouth, all she could force out were two uncertain syllables. ‘…Zisong?’
I kept the innocent expression on my face, but I did have to shift my gaze ever so slightly to avoid hers. ‘Do you know me, my lady?’
She came right up to me and caught hold of me by the wrist. Her lovely eyes fixed themselves on my face, as if searching hard for a trace of… something.
I smiled artlessly at her. The pain in her eyes was so clear that I could almost feel the full force of it myself.
Chu Feichen’s hand tightened around my wrist. Her lips, when she next spoke, were trembling faintly, giving her an air of fragility that stood out like a discordant note in the warm spring sunshine. ‘Zisong… don’t you know me?’ she said, half as if asking a question, half as if murmuring to herself.
It’s not that I don’t know you, I thought. It’s that I can’t be sure whether this version of you standing in front of me is Chu Feichen, the Eldest Princess of the Yan Empire, or Chu Feichen, my beloved.
I freed my wrist unostentatiously from her grasp and, rubbing at it, asked, ‘Are you some old acquaintance of mine, my lady? How lovely you are! It’s a shame that, for the last month or so, I’ve had trouble remembering anything that happened before. The doctor said it was because of some sort of drug I’d taken.’
Chu Feichen’s hand stayed half-raised in the air. Slowly she shook her head, and said uncomprehendingly, ‘That’s impossible. How could that be? It was just a drug meant to make it seem as if you were dead for a short while — there were no other effects.’
Abruptly she looked up, and stepped even closer to me, so close that the tip of her nose almost pressed against my cheek. She clutched tightly at the lapels of my robe, but her next words came out very, very softly, with a note almost of pleading in them. ‘No, no. It can’t be. Wei Zisong, you’re trying to trick me because you’re upset with me, aren’t you? How could you forget me? It’s me, Feichen.’
Sunlight slanted in through the window. Chu Feichen looked completely lost. This close, I finally realised how much thinner she had become over the past month. Her delicate shoulders were trembling slightly; they were slender enough that I could span them easily with one arm.
Ruthlessly, I repressed the urge to gather her into my arms.
Slowly, Chu Feichen reached up and cupped my cheek in one hand. In a trembling voice, she said my name. ‘Zisong…’
Those two syllables seemed to hold a wealth of meaning. It was as if there were a thousand things she wanted to tell me, but in the end, all she could give voice to was that single long sigh. I sighed as well, then, unable to help myself any longer, I put an arm about her shoulders and patted her soothingly on the back. ‘Why are you so sorrowful, my lady?’
Chu Feichen, you were the one who broke things off between us. Why are you so sad about it now?
Chu Feichen said nothing else, only slipped an arm beneath mine and wrapped it tightly around my shoulders. She buried her face against my neck, and then, a few moments later, I heard the sound of repressed sobs. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see our shadows across the floor, entwined in an intimate-seeming pose. How long could that last?
Later that evening, I was in the garden, lounging in my rattan chair and enjoying the cool breeze. Then Chu Feichen came out of the house, paused beside me and threw me a glance. Any sense of relaxation I’d had transformed instantly into unease. I gave her a somewhat forced smile.
She stared at me for a moment, then came me and placed a hand on each of the chair’s armrests. Leaning forward, she said, ‘Zisong, I’ve talked this over with Zhongliang. Since this… illness of yours isn’t inborn, there should be a way to cure it. I’ve sent him to fetch a doctor.’
Hm. Comrade Xiao Hei was certainly proving to be a reliable ally at this critical juncture.
Nonchalantly, I waved the fan I was holding. ‘It’s not really an illness, is it? I just can’t remember anything from before, that’s all. Now that I think about it, it might even be a blessing. What if there’s nothing from my past worth remembering?’
Chu Feichen shook visibly, but still she managed to smile at me. ‘What if there was someone you loved? Don’t you want to remember them?’
Oh, Chu Feichen, Lady Chu, why not be a little more direct and just ask: What about me? Don’t you want to remember me?
I curled my lip. ‘How could I have anyone like that? If there really was someone I loved, and they loved me back, why would they abandon me to this existence, where I feel more dead than alive?’
That had been meant only as a perfunctory response, but for some reason, it came out sounding more than a little aggrieved.
Chu Feichen’s eyes dimmed for a moment. Then suddenly, she set her jaw, as if she’d come to a decision. Gazing deeply into my eyes, she said slowly and deliberately, ‘Wei Zisong, it doesn’t matter if you’ve forgotten the past. All you need to know is, my name is Chu Feichen, and you are my lover.’
She said this so solemnly that I was momentarily taken aback. I felt a little uncertain as to how I was going to continue this little charade.
I pointed at my nose, and the question practically leapt from my lips. ‘You… love me?’
Chu Feichen nodded, and said with absolutely no attempt at evasion, ‘I love you.’
I’d been waiting for those words for such a long time. But now that I’d finally heard them, they left a strange taste in my mouth. So I tilted my head up to look at her and said, spreading my hands. ‘You jest, my lady. We’re both women: how could we have become lovers?’
Chu Feichen caught hold of my hand before the words had quite left my lips. She glared down at me rather ferociously. ‘Have you fallen in love with some man?’
Er. What?
I shook my head blankly. ‘No.’
At that, her expression softened. She pressed my hand to her heart, and a sudden, enchanting smile bloomed on her face. ‘Do you think I’m pretty?’ she asked.
Her heart was beating rather rapidly beneath my palm. My own breathing followed suit, becoming uneven. All I could do was nod.
Chu Feichen’s smile became even more seductive. ‘Is there any man who’s better-looking than me?’
Oh, what are you even talking about, Lady Chu Feichen? There’s not even a single woman in the world who’s better-looking than you, much less a man!
I shook my head.
She cocked her head and furrowed her brow, as if she were genuinely baffled. ‘Then why can’t you fall in love with me?’
Oh, this was a naked attempt at tricking an amnesiac youth. In the month since we’d parted, Lady Chu Feichen’s skill at psychological warfare had improved even further. My opponent was cunning indeed; I needed to be wary.
I slipped my hand from her grasp and gave a little cough. ‘My lady, you’re rather too beautiful for me. I would not dare reach so far above my station. How does that saying go? Ah, that’s right. “To be admired reverently from a distance, but not to be profaned by an overly familiar touch.”‘[2]
Chu Feichen bent down even further, looking straight at me with those bright, bright eyes. ‘There’s no need for you to reach above your station,’ she said. ‘I’m willing to stoop down to your level.’
Those were very, very tempting words. I gazed up at her face — which was now very close to mine — and felt the sudden urge to ask: Exactly how low are you willing to stoop for me? Could you bear to give up that royal title of yours, and wander with me throughout the world?
Even before I could ask that question, my lips had twisted reflexively into a rueful smile. I had lost myself in the dream of her love for much too long — even put one foot momentarily into the grave for its sake. Will you not wake from this fantasy even now, Wei Zisong?
Chu Feichen frowned. ‘You don’t believe me?’
I stared blankly at her, and she gave a bitter little smile. ‘Wei Zisong, do you think just because you’ve lost your memory, all the promises you’ve made before no longer count?’
That was a rather sudden change of subject. I let out a mystified, ‘Ah?’
She straightened, then slipped a piece of paper from beneath the lapel of her robe. She spread it out, glanced at me, and began reading out loud.
The cool breeze, the bright moon, her voice — everything in the garden was so wonderfully perfect. As she read on, my eyes began prickling with tears.
It was the love letter I’d written — the letter in which I’d bared my heart completely for her to walk all over.
‘I often find myself thinking, if only you weren’t a princess of the Yan Empire, how good life would be. Do you like villages, small towns or cities? Would you prefer to stay within the empire’s borders or explore the plains beyond its westernmost frontier? Whatever your choice, if you weren’t a princess of the Yan Empire, I would take your hand, pull you up onto the back of my horse, and wander the whole of the realm with you, from the empire’s heartlands to the vast reaches north and south of the Great River. Oh, what bliss that would be!’
Chu Feichen’s voice fell suddenly still. Then she leaned over my chair again and fixed her eyes steadily on me. ‘You said we would wander the whole of the realm together, riding on the back of the same horse. Do those words still count, Wei Zisong?’
Here it was, the perfect opportunity to throw that ‘none of it counts’ she’d said to me back into her face. Or, at the very least, I could have held fast to the artistic principles to which I’d latterly committed myself, and said with feigned guilelessness, ‘When did I ever say that?’ But what I actually did was look up at her and ask a question which revealed my hand completely.
‘That letter… where’s the hairpin?’
A sudden brightness welled up in Chu Feichen’s eyes. She blinked at me, then reached out to caress my ear, and said in a voice so tender that I could barely believe it, ‘You remember it all.’
Yes, I remembered everything. Why did I remember everything?
With a rueful chuckle, I sat up straight. ‘I’m not dead, and I didn’t lose my memory. So tell me, princess, are you here to bring me back to prison?’
Her hand tightened slightly around my ear. ‘Is that what you think I came here to do?’
I looked her steadily in the eye. ‘Why else would you be here?’
Chu Feichen let go of my ear, looking rather unsettled. Her eyes seemed to look through me, to some unknowable blank space beyond. ‘Perhaps I really should take you back with me,’ she said. ‘Then I could lock you up in my manor, so that you could never go anywhere ever again.’
I smiled coolly at her. ‘There’s a saying about nursing a viper in one’s bosom,[3] princess. I’m the heir to the throne of an enemy country; aren’t you afraid I’ll turn on you?’
Her drew her gaze back to me then, her eyes roaming over my face again and again. Finally she leaned down even further, wrapped her arms around my shoulders and pressed her chin against my forehead. ‘I’ve wronged you, my Zisong. Oh, how you must have suffered.’
Those words, oh, those words—
Your stoic bandit chief’s eyes, which had remained steadfastly dry even when she’d been locked up in that imperial prison, suddenly misted over uncontrollably.
Chu Feichen, I loved you, protected you, cherished you— how could you bear to do that to me?
I hadn’t intended to say those words out loud, but they came spilling out of me anyway in a fit of emotion.
Chu Feichen kissed me on the forehead. ‘Yes, it’s all my fault.’
Her voice was very, very gentle. I choked, and what I had intended to be short, sharp list of accusations left my lips as a feeble, rambling litany of complaints.
‘You didn’t trust me, you only trusted Zhao Yishu! What’s so good about him anyway? That shifty-eyed, weasel-faced scoundrel, he’s always up to no good. You didn’t even come to see m in prison! Even sanmei knew I was innocent, but you didn’t believe her either. You even had them bring me that poisoned wine, did you really want me dead so badly…’
‘Shh,’ Chu Feichen whispered comfortingly, her lips against my cheek. ‘Let’s not brood over that any longer. Good girl, shh… I’m here now, aren’t I? I’ve come here to tell you how sorry I am and to make it up to you, I’ll make it all up to you.’
She drifted off toward the end of that sentence, and wound both arms around my neck, holding on so tightly it seemed she would never let go.
Even I could feel the strain that pose must be taking on her. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I drew her into my lap. And it was only then, when I felt her warmth solidly against me, that I finally allowed myself to sigh: Chu Feichen, I’ve missed you so.
When it came to what I actually said to her, however, I was determined not to give a single inch of ground. ‘You even destroyed the hairpin I gave you,’ I went on. ‘You must have broken it, otherwise how could you have found the letter?’
Chu Feichen cupped my face in both hands. Her eyes were still misted over with tears, but now her lips quirked in a smile. ‘Are you throwing a tantrum, Zisong?’
So what if I was? I’d been so deeply ill-used, surely I could be allowed a tantrum or two?
I leaned forward and bit her fiercely on the lip. ‘You’re the one who’s throwing a tantrum! Pay me back for the hairpin, pay me back!’
Chu Feichen kissed me, long and deep. Her hand made its way down the front of my robes, and as her fingers found the jade pendant she’d given me so long ago, her tongue twined itself around mine, oh so tenderly.
‘Let’s not go back to the palace, shall we?’ I mumbled breathlessly. ‘Let’s find a little spot somewhere, far away from everything else, where we can live quietly, fishing and growing flowers, bathing in hot springs and playing madiao.’
A shiver ran through her, and she clutched me even tighter.
The next morning, as I was on my way to buy breakfast for Chu Feichen, my heart all aflutter, I was ambushed by some unknown assailant. They sealed my acupoints, put a bag over my head, put me on the back of their horse and galloped off. After some considerable tumult, we came to a halt, and the world finally stopped spinning. I was lowered to the ground, then I heard footsteps retreating; everything was peaceful once more.
Someone lifted the bag from my head.
Chu Feichen stood over me, that devastatingly beautiful smile on her face. ‘Now that you’ve fallen into my clutches, come with me like a good girl, and let me make you the mistress of my bandit stronghold.’
I smiled. She reached out, cradled my cheek with one hand, and said my name very tenderly.
‘Zisong.’
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Footnotes:
- In Chinese, the chengyu 沧海桑田, meaning literally ‘the blue sea (has transformed into) mulberry fields’. The chengyu describes the great and inexorable changes wrought by time. It originates from the Biographies of Deities and Immortals (神仙传), a hagiography of Chinese gods partially attributed to the Jin Dynasty scholar and Daoist practitioner Ge Hong (葛洪). [return to text]
- In Chinese, the saying 只可远观不可亵玩. It originates from the essay ‘On the Love of the Lotus’ by the Song Dynasty philosopher Zhou Dunyi (see footnote 6 to Chapter 2). In the context of the original essay, it describes the pure, lofty beauty of the lotus flower. [return to text]
- In Chinese, the chengyu 养虎为患, literally ‘to rear a tiger is to invite calamity’. It means that a failure to eliminate one’s enemy or to deal with them sufficiently harshly will bring future trouble on oneself. The chengyu originates from Records of the Grand Historian (see footnote 5 to Chapter 2). [return to text]
douqi 随笔 