Purely by Accident – Extra 1
***
You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation, dear reader. Well, so was I. I racked my brains, trying to work out how this had all happened, but to no avail.
Possibly because I looked far too lost in thought for her liking, the woman sitting on the edge of the bed frowned discontentedly, stuck a hand under my chin and tilted my face up to hers. ‘Wei Zisong, have you decided?’
Still distracted, I recalled how this very morning, Chu Feichen herself had run her fingertips across my face in exactly the same familiar way, her long hair spilling across my shoulder. I couldn’t help but swallow.
When I finally turned to my captor, I saw displeasure written all over her pretty face. Her grip tightened slightly on my chin. She and Chu Feichen were both attractive women, but if Chu Feichen were to look at me with that same exasperated expression, her charm would outshine my captor’s about several hundred country miles.
Oh, Madam Wei, my darling wife. I miss you.
So I put on a placating expression and said to her, in the mildest possible tones, ‘Chief Yan, oh noble Mistress Yan, in your wisdom you must understand that it is impossible for me to accede to your demands, as I am already married.’
Ah, yes. The woman sitting on the edge of the bed where I lay was Yan Shenghan, female bandit chief and the founder of the Weile Fellowship, which had also made its home on Mount Qiyun. Based on the long-established principle of ‘one mountain cannot contain two bandit strongholds’,[1] she was in this sense my fiercest rival.
Yan Shenghan threw back her head and laughed brazenly, taking full advantage of the fact that she had me completely immobilised. ‘And what does that matter?’ she asked. ‘You can simply divorce your wife!’
The very notion, I felt, verged on treason. I would never dare divorce Chu Feichen, even if she were to divorce me once, twice, twenty times. This was the way of our unjust world: one’s place within the family hierarchy is dictated entirely by one’s looks.
I gave Yan Shenghan a forced smile. ‘You might not be aware of this, Chief Yan, but my wife is a very jealous woman. I would never dare suggest setting her aside for another.’
Yan Shenghan laughed heartily. ‘Wei Zisong, I didn’t realise how subservient you were to your wife. Excellent, excellent. I like a man who knows his place!’
I had no idea how to feel. Until Yan Shenghan, I’d never even heard of a bandit who was in the habit of carrying off young men. It was all down to the mistakes I’d made — oh, so many mistakes! In the first place, I should never have set up my bandit stronghold on a mountain that was already occupied by another outlaw band. Having done that, I should never have argued with Chu Feichen over which of us was to take up the mantle of bandit chief, nor should I have tried to convince her that my plain, unremarkable looks made me deeply unsuited for the evocative title ‘mistress of the stronghold’. Having gained the title of bandit chief, I should never have accepted Yan Shenghan’s challenge to a duel as a demonstration of my martial prowess, much less done so several times, much less accidentally beaten her. It was only then that I realised: inside every strong, independent woman lies the heart of a docile, submissive girl, yearning for some great hero of the ages to defeat her utterly, to claim dominion over her, so that she need never put up a facade of strength again. The ‘best her to bed her’ motif, as the romance novels put it. But, but, but… how was I to talk Yan Shenghan out of her delusion? Your heroic bandit chief had not the faintest idea. Truly, the ancients were right when they said, ‘Greatly will you regret not working at your books, when the time comes to apply what you have learned from them;[2] fail to exert yourself in your youth, and you will lament your idleness in old age.’[3] Oh, how troublesome this all was.
Just I was sighing over my predicament, the strong independent woman sitting beside me leaned over slowly. The fringe of hair that drooped over her forehead nearly stabbed me in the cheek. Still smiling that easy smile, she lowered her voice and said, ‘Since you’re unwilling to divorce your wife, Chief Wei, then let me take the decision out of your hands.’ She ran a fingertip along my brow, sending a chill straight to my heart. ‘Tell me, if that shrew[4] learned you’d lost your virtue to me, do you think that would send her into a fit of rage violent enough to make her divorce you?’
While I was still turning over the question of who would be divorcing who over in my mind, Yan Shenghan’s hand made a beeline for my chest, where she began plucking at the folds of my robes. Was she really planning to have her way with me right here and now? Aghast, I had no time to spare even for a brief sigh of admiration over the assertiveness of the modern female bandit. Instead, I heard myself call out, ‘Wait, Chief Yan! I’m a woman too, just like you!’
Yan Shenghan’s hand stopped; her expression froze. Time itself seemed to pause as well. In the midst of this complete hush, the door behind her opened gently. Light poured suddenly into the room, and outlined against it stood Chu Feichen, my own darling girl.
I let out a long sigh of relief. Oh, my wife was truly the best woman in the world, turning up in this timely fashion. Although… her expression was perhaps not quite the one I might have hoped for.
Chu Feichen stepped a little closer to the bed, a faint half-smile on her otherwise indifferent face. ‘Ah, I seem to have come in at the wrong time,’ she said in almost regretful tones. Her gaze lingered on my face for a moment, then wandered slowly down to my chest — where Yan Shenghan’s hand was resting comfortably.
Oh no, I cried inwardly.
Yan Shenghan, however, was completely unaware of the gravity of the situation. ‘Who are you?’ she snapped as she turned to look at Chu Feichen. Each successive syllable came out weaker and weaker, and by the time she reached the final ‘you’, she sounded as if she had been rendered speechless.
Because her head was now turned away from me, I couldn’t see the look on Yan Shenghan’s face, but I could imagine it all too easily — stunned amazement. What else could anyone do, when confronted with beauty as devastating as Chu Feichen’s?
The devastating beauty in question put on her most solicitous expression. ‘Don’t mind me,’ she said, pointing at me. ‘Please feel free to carry on.’
Carry on, your grandmother’s arse! I thought vindictively. Chu Feichen, oh Princess Chu, how can you be so unflappable?
Luckily, Yan Shenghan’s attention was no longer on me. ‘Who are you…?’ she murmured again, persistently. Oh, what a shame it was to see a strong independent woman like this take leave of her senses so violently.
Chu Feichen was at least compassionate enough to put Yan Shenghan out of her misery. She came up to the bed and discreetly removed Yan Shenghan’s hand from my chest. Her slender fingers drew the lapels of my robes more tightly around me. ‘Who am I?’ she asked, cocking her head and half-quirking one lovely eyebrow. She put on a vexed expression, which held more than a touch of mischief. ‘What I can I say? Wei Zisong might not be quite the model spouse, but I must confess to being her shrewish wife.’
Outside, a bolt of lightning flashed across the sky. It illuminated the consternation written all over Yan Shenghan’s face.
***
I sauntered along the winding mountain path at a leisurely pace. Ahead of me was Her Royal Highness Princess Chu Feichen herself, marching forward at top speed. Her long skirts swished prettily in time with her strides. So graceful was she that she somehow contrived to make it look as if she were walking on water.
I wanted to admire this captivating sight a little while longer, but also feared that, given how swiftly she was marching along, she might trip and fall, and that would probably pain me more than it did her. So, raising my voice quite deliberately, I called out, ‘Oh, how lovely these mountains are!’
She continued on her headlong charge.
Just as I’d expected. I shook my head, undaunted, and called out again, ‘Oh, how lovely these trees are!’
She did not slow down one single iota.
Oh, how adorable she was. I redoubled my efforts. ‘Oh, how lovely that woman is!’
This had absolutely no effect on her.
It seemed she was determined to make me use my secret weapon. My lip curled, then I cupped both hands around my mouth and shouted with all my might, ‘Chu Feichen! My shrewish wife!’
My voice echoed through the surrounding valleys, startling a distant flock of crows into flight.
Chu Feichen finally spun around, seemingly goaded beyond endurance. Angrily she pounced on me. Her hands rose to my cheeks and pinched them mercilessly. ‘Wei Zisong, what did you just say?’ she demanded.
‘Ouch, that hurts!’ Leaning into her grip, I wrapped both arms around her waist and buried my head in her shoulder, yelping in pain all the while.
After that initial show of ferocity, she seemed unsure what to do with her hands. They now hung loosely from my shoulders, as if she were about to push me away. Hastily I tightened my embrace and shifted some of my weight onto her. ‘Oh no, I’m feeling dizzy all of a sudden,’ I said. ‘It must be the drug that bandit used on me — it hasn’t worn off completely.’
Chu Feichen stumbled backwards. She reached around my neck and gave the back of my head a solid thump. ‘Serves you right!’
‘Oh no, my chest hurts,’ I said. Deciding to press my luck, I leaned the full weight of my body against hers. ‘That bandit must have used too much force when she was sealing my acupoints.’
At things turned out, I had completely overestimated Chu Feichen’s load-bearing capacity. Hastily throwing her arms around me, she stumbled backwards yet again, then finally lost her balance. I twisted swiftly, rolling both of us to one side. When the world finally stopped spinning, I was lying flat on my back with Chu Feichen half-sprawled on top of me, her hands planted palm-down on either side of my head. Although she was looking down on me, it was clear from her face that she, as a respectable woman of gentle birth, considered this a most unseemly position to be in.
A stone was digging painfully into the back of my neck. I winced, then said to her with mock tearfulness, ‘Oh, my lady, must you insist on having your way with me in this lonely wilderness? Please do be gentle, I beg you!’
Chu Feichen chuckled at that. She stood up, adjusted her robes, and only then extended a leisurely hand towards me. ‘You silly girl. Do get up, won’t you?’
Obediently, I took her hand and scrambled to my feet. She plucked a few pieces of dried grass from my hair and rubbed at the sore spot on the back of my neck. ‘Sanmei is here,’ she said, her eyes shining.
Sanmei. That was Chu Feiyu, the Third Princess of the Yan Empire.
Quickly I wrapped my hand around hers and made to step forward. ‘What are we waiting for, then? Let’s go.’
Chu Feichen, however, stood there unmoving. I looked back at her over my shoulder, perplexed. Her eyes were full of wry amusement as she gazed straight into mine. ‘And so is Zhao Yishu,’ she added.
What? I stared at her for a moment, then heard myself burst out indignantly, ‘When did this happen?’
Chu Feichen stepped closer to me. Very solicitously, she placed her hands on either side of my face and drew the corners of my mouth upward with her thumbs. Then she flashed me a most captivating smile. ‘Just now, when you were lying on that Chief Yan’s bed.’
Yan Shenghan, I thought grimly, I hate you.
Chu Feiyu, my little sister-in-law, was standing by the main gates of the stronghold when we arrived. The moment she saw us, she came rushing up and caught hold of Chu Feichen’s hand. The look in her eyes was half remonstrance, half delight. ‘Dajie,’ she said fervently.
Chu Feichen ruffled her younger sister’s hair indulgently, and Chu Feiyu stuck out her tongue. Then she turned to me, cocked her head and gave me a smile. ‘Jiefu, ever since you dragged my sister off into the depths of this wilderness with you, I’ve missed her so much. How are you going to make it up to me?’
After so many months apart, Princess Chu Feiyu’s tongue was still as merciless as ever, especially when she knew she had the right of the matter. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Zhao Yishu. He stood tall and elegant; in the light of the setting sun, his profile was almost offensively handsome. I decided then and there to try and direct Chu Feiyu’s ire towards him instead.
‘Once we sit down to dinner, I promise to drink three cups of wine in a row as forfeit,’ I told Chu Feiyu, chuckling. Then I looked over at Zhao Yishu and added, ‘Meifu,[5] I didn’t expect you to be able to take enough time away from your official duties to visit us here. Truly, you honour our humble abode with your presence.’
Chu Feichen gave me an almost imperceptible glance. The corners of her mouth quirked upwards slightly, but she said nothing.
Zhao Yishu only gave me a good-natured smile, and cupped his hands before his chest in greeting. ‘You jest, Wei xiong. As the Third Princess’ consort, of course I accompany her everywhere she goes, and would not lightly leave her side.’
He was speaking to me, but his eyes never left Chu Feiyu even for a single moment. After all this time, I realised, Zhao Yishu has finally seen sense.
Alas, that might have come just a little too late, because I saw Chu Feiyu put on an expression that said distinctly ‘I didn’t ask for that’. Then she took Chu Feichen’s hand and the two sisters went through the gates together.
Zhao Yishu’s expression dimmed slightly, but he still remembered to give me a slight bow before trailing after them. I stayed where I was for a few more moments before following the others into the stronghold. I should be gloating over Zhao Yishu’s misfortune, but for some reason, I found myself thinking what a shame it all was. If not for the vagaries of fate, Zhao Yishu and Chu Feiyu would have been one of the most enviable couples in all the realm.
At dinner, much of the conversation was taken up by the two sisters exchanging domestic gossip and news of home. Every now and then, Zhao Yishu would place a particularly choice morsel in his wife’s plate, or refill her cup with fresh wine, but all he got in return was the occasional impassive glance. As I watched the two of them, I recalled how desperately in love Chu Feiyu had once been with him. What goes around comes around, I suppose.
Suddenly, Chu Feichen caught hold of my hand under the table. When I looked over at her, she winked at me; the smile on her face was warm, content. I understood her meaning at once. She was telling me, ‘You can stop fretting about Zhao Yishu now, can’t you, you jealous woman?’
I gave her a self-satisfied grin in return, meaning, ‘I wasn’t worried at all! With my intelligence and wit, ten Zhao Yishus could turn up, and I still wouldn’t bat an eyelid!’
Chu Feiyu’s eyes flitted between me and Chu Feichen for a few moments, then a brilliant smile bloomed on her face. ‘Jiejie, jiefu, seeing you two together’ — she paused, seemed to glance almost unconsciously at Zhao Yishu, and went on, sounding as if she were choosing her words carefully — ‘truly does make one envious.’
There was something rueful in her smile. Zhao Yishu paused, his hand half-raised, but in the end, all he did was pick up a piece of mouthwatering chicken[6] from the serving platter with his chopsticks and place it in the small plate in front of Chu Feiyu. A touch of mockery crept into her smile then.
I let out a small inward sigh. Oh, that troubled Zhao Yishu! Oh, that troubled piece of mouthwatering chicken!
That night, when Chu Feiyu insisted on sharing a room with Chu Feichen, the flames of anxiety rose even higher in my heart. In everyone’s mutual interest, I decided to have a little chat with my brother-in-law.
It was a clear night. Zhao Yishu was standing in the courtyard with his hands behind his back. He held himself tall and straight, but there was something forlorn about his pose nonetheless. I hesitated, wondering how best to give him my counsel, when suddenly a figure swooped down from the wall which surrounded the courtyard and struck Zhao Yishu solidly in the back. ‘Wei Zisong!’ the figure shouted. ‘I’ve come to take your wife away with me. Hand her over now!’
It was, of course, our foremost local female bandit, Yan Shenghan.
I was too taken aback by this breathtaking shift in Yan Shenghan’s romantic preferences to react. The very next moment, Zhao Yishu had sent her flying backwards with a single graceful kick. ‘You brazen thief!’ he called out, each syllable ringing with righteous confidence. ‘How dare you harbour such indecent designs on Madam Wei? Don’t you know who she is?’
In the wan light of the moon, Yan Shenghan’s hair looked rather dishevelled. That, paired with the look of utter shock on her face, gave her a distinct air of fragility. Zhao Yishu’s behaviour, I thought, had really been rather unchivalrous. I saw him take a step forward, then he seemed to hesitate slightly. A small sound of astonishment escaped his throat. ‘A woman?’ he said, as if to himself.
Yan Shenghan struggled to her feet. ‘So what if I am?’ she demanded. ‘Can’t a woman claim a wife for herself? Your chief is a woman too! If she can wed that little beauty, why can’t I?’
A loud crack echoed through my mind, as if a thousand bolts of lightning had hit me at the same time. If I could have grasped just one of them, I would have hurled it at Yan Shenghan and struck her dead on the spot. But now… I turned, quaking a little, to look at Zhao Yishu. His usually self-possessed face held the expression of a man who had, like me, just been struck by lightning. ‘My chief…’ he mumbled. ‘My chief? Do you mean to say that Wei Zisong is a woman? You—’
Though there was no longer a ‘you’ in sight. While Zhao Yishu and I were still reeling from the effects of those metaphorical thunderbolts, Yan Shenghan had vanished into the darkness. That left the two of us to stare at each other across six feet of moonlight, interspersed with the fluttering shadows of the trees.
This was very awkward.
I forced myself to smile. ‘Having a moonlit stroll, are you, meifu? How lovely the moon looks tonight. Please do enjoy the view — I’ll see you later!’ With that, I cupped my hands before my chest in farewell, and dashed away as swiftly as a puff of smoke.
I barely slept that night. Early the next morning, as I shuffled gingerly about the stronghold in search of Chu Feichen, I nearly stumbled into a heated duel. It was Chu Feiyu and Yan Shenghan, locked in fierce hand-to-hand combat. Oh, Yan Shenghan, that indefatigable bandit chief!
Yan Shenghan was laughing in a rather ribald fashion. ‘It seems the little lady knows how to fight as well. I do like a woman with spirit!’
She had clearly mistaken Chu Feiyu for Chu Feichen — and the suggestive way in which she’d said ‘like’ had just as clearly sent Chu Feiyu flying into a rage. Chu Feiyu’s attacks became even more forceful. ‘You have the gall to invade the Qingyun Brotherhood’s stronghold?’ she growled at Yan Shenghan. ‘What do you take yourself for, you wretched worm?’
To her credit, Chu Feiyu did sound quite like a member of an outlaw band — it was just a pity that she’d got the name of our brotherhood wrong. I wanted very badly to go up to her and issue the necessary correction, but I also feared that Yan Shenghan, on spotting me, would once again call out something like, ‘And isn’t your Chief Wei a woman as well?’
Just as I was hesitating over what to do, I saw Zhao Yishu come rushing up. ‘Meifu!’ I roared.
Chu Feiyu and Yan Shenghan both paused mid-fight and looked over at us. Yan Shenghan clapped a hand to her chest — no doubt Zhao Yishu’s kick from last night had left a deep impression on her — flung out, ‘I’ll be back!’ and leaped away into the distance.
Chu Feiyu made as if to chase after her, then glanced at Zhao Yishu and seemed to think better of it. Zhao Yishu looked from her to me, a complicated mixture of expressions on his face.
I stared at the two of them, feeling as if a series of lightning bolts were flashing across my mind — then one of them struck home in a flash of inspiration. I gave Zhao Yishu a meaningful look and said, ‘Meifu, a word?’
I led him into a bamboo grove that stood not far off. It was quiet there, punctuated only by the occasional bright call of a bird. Zhao Yishu’s mouth twitched, but still he did not give voice to the question that was clearly hovering on his lips. With that rigid, law-abiding nature of his, I thought, it was no wonder he hadn’t managed to win Chu Feiyu over yet. It was time I added a judicious dose of accelerant.
‘Meifu, did you want to ask me whether what that female bandit said last night was true?’
Zhao Yishu’s eyes drifted towards me, and he nodded very slightly.
‘It is,’ I confirmed. I leaned back against a bamboo stalk and began swaying back and forth on it.
The look on Zhao Yishu’s face was well-nigh indescribable. He had to open and shut his mouth a few times before he managed to get out, ‘Then you and the Eldest Princess. you’re…?’
I smiled at him. ‘We are deeply in love.’
He stared at me, completely taken aback. This was clearly far beyond the scope of his comprehension, so I understood why he might have trouble getting to grips with it. I returned a question of my own. ‘You’re in love with sanmei?’
Zhao Yishu nodded, his gaze opaque.
‘When it comes to … certain preferences,’ I said, putting on a completely straight face, ‘I understand that sisters often have the same tendencies.’ I plucked my fan from my belt, snapped it open and began fanning myself.
Zhao Yishu’s eyes widened. He looked so guileless that even I felt sorry for him.
‘Do you know how Chu Feichen and I fell in love?’ I asked.
He seemed to be stunned completely speechless; all he could do was shake his head mechanically.
I half-shut my fan, then leaned closer and whispered into his ear. ‘We used to fight like cat and dog when we first met. So what do you think the chances are of sanmei taking a fancy to that Chief Yan, who has promised to return?’
Amidst the fresh, delicate scents of the bamboo grove, the great general Zhao Yishu, whose fame had spread far and wide across the realm, turned deadly pale.
I patted him sympathetically on the shoulder. ‘Fear not, young fellow,’ I said generously. ‘Jiefu will help you.’
He stared at me doubtfully for a long moment, and when he finally spoke, it had absolutely nothing to do with the matter at hand. ‘Should I really still be calling you jiefu?’
***
Three days later, as the four of us stood on Jingyang Ridge admiring the view, I handed Chu Feiyu a cup of wine that I’d laced with a sleeping drug. ‘A toast from your jiefu!’ I said, beaming at her.
And then I passed out.
When I woke up, I could see the sun setting through the window, and weary birds returning to their nests. Beside me sat Chu Feichen, as devastatingly beautiful as ever. She caressed my earlobe. ‘You’re awake?’
Utterly confused, I clutched her hand. ‘How did I fall asleep?’
She gave me an exasperated little smile. ‘You drugged Feiyu’s wine? Have them do the deed first,[7] and work out their feelings after — is that what you were thinking?’
My plot had been exposed. Oh, Zhao Yishu, that untrustworthy little whippersnapper! Although… where had he and Chu Feiyu gone?
Chu Feichen seemed to read the questions in my eyes. She leaned down, so close that her forehead was almost pressing against mine, and said in the gentlest of tones, ‘They’ve gone back to the palace. Feiyu and I had a heart-to-heart talk the night she slept over in our room. She does still care deeply for Zhao Yishu — it was just his past attitude towards her that gnawed at her mind. Once she finally opened up to him, he soon revealed your little scheme, of course.’
Oh, I’d debased myself to play the schemer — and all for nothing, as it turned out! And so…
Chu Feichen nodded. ‘And so, Feiyu decided to punish you by switching your wine with hers.’ She tweaked my cheek, her gaze lingering tenderly and indulgently on me. ‘You really do live dangerously, Zisong. Everyone at the palace knows full well how vengeful Feiyu is.’
I reached out and put an arm around her waist, and offered up a silent prayer for Zhao Yishu’s well-being. ‘Should I count myself lucky that you were the one I met first, Eldest Princess?’ I said with feeling.
Chu Feichen cocked an eyebrow non-committally.
I kissed her forehead. ‘Princess, let’s take a trip somewhere soon.’
She closed her eyes. ‘Where to?’
I smiled, a sense of peace washing over me. ‘To see your family.’
***
Footnotes:
- In the original text, 一山不容二寨. This is a riff on the saying 一山不容二虎, literally ‘one mountain cannot accommodate two tigers’. It means that two strong competitors cannot co-exist on the same territory. [return to text]
- In the original text, the saying 书到用时方恨少, which can be loosely translated as ‘it is only when the time comes to apply your knowledge that you regret acquiring too little of it’. [return to text]
- In the original text, 少小不学老大恼. This is possibly a riff on the saying 少壮不努力, 老大徒伤悲, which can be loosely translated as ‘fail to work hard in your youth, and all you can do in your old age is regret it’. It originates from ‘The Long Ballad’ (长歌行), a yuefu poem by an unknown composer dating from the Han Dynasty. [return to text]
- In the original text, 河东妻, literally ‘wife from the east side of the river’. This is based on the phrase 河东狮, literally ‘lion from the east side of the river’, which is used to describe a domineering wife. It is said to originate from a humorous poem written by the Song Dynasty poet Su Shi (苏轼) for his friend Chen Zao (陈慥, known more commonly by his courtesy name Chen Jichang 陈季常), where he refers to the latter’s formidable wife using the terms ‘when the lion from the east side of the river roars’. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 妹夫, literally ‘younger sister’s husband’. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 口水鸡. A classic Sichuan cold dish consisting of poached chicken in a spicy sauce made from chili oil, Sichuan peppercorns, sesame paste and black vinegar. [return to text]
- In the original text, the saying 生米煮成熟饭, literally ‘the raw rice is now cooked’. This can be loosely translated as ‘what’s done is done, and can’t be undone’. It is often used in the context of a couple who have had sex out of wedlock, and now have little choice but to get married, and whose families have no choice but to go along with the match. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 