To Embers We Return — Chapter 28
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Once she had finished bathing, Shen Ni stepped out of the hot spring and dried herself off with a soft towel. Her soak in the steaming water had warmed her to the very bones; sweat beaded delicately on her skin.
She put on on a fresh set of nightclothes. These had been designed for winter, so they were thick and warm. They were, once again, part of a matching set that Shen Ni had commissioned for herself and Bian Jin before the wedding, and she’d chosen the fabric and design herself. As with their cloaks, the two sets of nightclothes were cut in exactly the same style, but in different colours. Shen Ni’s was the purple of the violet lotus, while Bian Jin’s was the red of crab-apple blossoms. The fabrics were unpatterned; the only ornamentation was in the sleeve-clasps, which were embroidered with a design of interlocking branches in silver thread — as subtle and elegant as the one woven into their cloaks. If the two of them, dressed in their matching nightclothes, were to reach their hands out towards each other as they sat drinking across the same table, the designs on their sleeve-clasps would form a complete pattern. Each set of nightclothes consisted of a long outer jacket with a thinner nightshirt to be worn beneath it. These were fastened by a simple sash, so they were as easy to put on as they were to remove. The long, flowing garments looked particularly graceful on Shen Ni and Bian Jin’s tall figures.
Shen Ni opened the door of the bedchamber she had not set foot in for days. The fresh scent of pear blossoms washed over her.
Bian Jin was sitting on the bed with her back to the door. Her waist-length black hair was still damp from her bath; it hung loose about her. Her silhouette was a slender one; she looked quiet, genteel.
The wooden box that usually sat on the low table next to the bed had been placed there solely for appearances’ sake. It had not been opened since their wedding night, when Bian Jin had done so without knowing what it contained. Tonight, however, it was once again favoured by Bian Jin’s attentions.
Silently, Shen Ni set Bian Jin’s lip-rouge and gloves down on the table. Then she realised that Bian Jin had put on a pair of black gloves Shen Ni had never seen her wear before. These were much more close-fitting, being made of a thinner material than her calfskin gloves, which had been designed for protection from the cold. The cuffs caught slightly at her wrists, offering tantalising glimpses of her bare hands as they moved. It made her elegant fingers seem even longer and more slender.
Shen Ni’s attentive gaze followed Bian Jin’s gloved hands as they alighted on the brass latch of the wooden box. Bian Jin flicked it upward with a forefinger, and the latch fell open with a click. She lifted the heavy lid of the box, cast a dubious glance over its contents, and averted her eyes again. ‘And how are we to deceive our watchers?’ she asked, looking at Shen Ni.
Those very proper words, from her very proper lips, made it seem as if their furtive little ploy was as serious and risky a matter as mounting an ambush on an enemy camp by night.
Shen Ni picked up the string of small pink packets that lay at the top of the box — seven little squares, linked together like the bags of snacks sold at the market. At the top of each packet was a dotted line for easy tearing. Bian Jin had glimpsed these already on their wedding night, when she’d opened the box in complete ignorance of what it held. The odd shape of the packaging, its coy pink colour and the suggestive images printed on it — stylised faces dripping with sweat and surrounded by heart symbols — had left her perplexed; she’d had no idea what they were. She felt exactly the same now.
Bian Jin did not touch the packets. She simply said, peering around Shen Ni’s back, ‘What is that for?’
Although no matter how exactly it was meant to be used, she already knew all too well what kind of activity it was meant to be used for. Her curiosity was piqued, but she still had no wish to touch the items in question.
‘These are called sheaths of yearning,’ said Shen Ni. She detached one of the little packets from the rest, crumpled it a few times, and then tore it open along the dotted line.
‘Sheaths of yearning?’ Bian Jin repeated reflexively. The instant she spoke those words, she realised from their name what the contents of those packets must be for. She pursed her lips tightly, a look of revulsion crossing her face. But she’d already spoken those words; there was no taking them back now.
Shen Ni stole a glance at Bian Jin. Shijie is the same as ever, she thought. Still absolutely fastidious about every word that comes out of her mouth, as if it would dirty her lips if she ever let anything unsavoury past them.
And yet those pure, unsullied lips had been sucking wantonly at her throat just a short while ago.
For an instant, her thoughts flashed back to that moment. The wetness of Bian Jin’s lips and tongue against her skin, the electrifying sensations that spread through her — every single detail was etched firmly in her mind, ready to be roused with a single thought. Her memory was simply far too good.
Shen Ni managed to collect herself. Bian Jin, meanwhile, was eyeing the packets with distaste, but she also seemed intrigued.
‘Can such things be used between two women?’ she asked.
And despite the odd little contradictions in Bian Jin’s manner, despite the rumours that swirled about her, that single question told Shen Ni clearly that her shijie remained completely ignorant of the practicalities of lovemaking. This improved her mood considerably.
‘Of course they can,’ she said.
Bian Jin’s cheeks were flushed. ‘But how… where…?’
Shen Ni’s eyes went meaningfully to Bian Jin’s hands.
Understanding flashed through Bian Jin’s mind. Her brow furrowed once, then again, even more tightly. Her hands curled into fists, and she tucked them away silently behind her back. She shifted uneasily on the bed.
‘Shijie,’ said Shen Ni mildly, ‘you don’t really know what lovemaking is like between two women, do you?’
At that startlingly explicit query, Bian Jin retorted coolly, ‘And what of it?’
And now her shijie was in a huff again.
Shen Ni had discovered quite unexpectedly that she rather enjoyed these little moods of Bian Jin’s — those moments when she seemed to stop feeling the pressure to appear the perfect shijie, gentle and benevolent and all-wise, and showed her true self to Shen Ni. And Shen Ni was the only one had the privilege of seeing how completely adorable Bian Jin was in these impulsive moods.
Nothing, thought Shen Ni in response to Bian Jin’s question. Then she turned her attention to the little packet she was holding. She did not really want to touch the contents, so she shook the crumpled sheath out of its packaging into the tiny gap between the bed and the table. Someone lying on the bed would have difficulty spotting it, but anyone tidying the room was almost certain to come across it.
Bian Jin glanced over, and understood Shen Ni’s line of thinking after only a few moments’ reflection. Shen Ni had not dropped the sheath somewhere visible, because neither of them was slovenly enough to dispose of something so carelessly. By planting it in a less noticeable spot, she made it seem as if they’d overlooked it while in the throes of passion, which was much more believable.
Words of praise rose to her lips, then abruptly she frowned. Shimei’s intellect truly is all-encompassing, she thought. She clearly has much experience in such matters.
Shen Ni, who was busy working out how else she could ‘redecorate’ the room with tokens of pretended passion, was completely oblivious to Bian Jin’s silent judgment.
In truth, Shen Ni’s easy familiarity with matters of the bedchamber could be traced directly back to Bian Jin herself. Six years ago, when Bian Jin had left her behind to go to the front lines for the second time, Shen Ni had spent her days getting to grips with the science of mechanical engineering and the art of war — and whiled away the long, dull nights lurking on the extranet. She’d seen more than her fair share of salacious books and videos.
Before she’d come of age, Bian Jin had raised her on the wisdom of the ancient sages. The texts she’d been told to pore over had emphasised the virtues of continence and self-restraint. Because of this, Shen Ni had always strived to seem like the perfect ingénue in front of her shijie, to make herself look as pure and sinless and appealing as a pendant of the finest white jade.
So when Bian Jin left Shuangji Hall for the second time, Shen Ni had thrown herself headfirst into the murky depths of the extranet, allowing a dizzying array of colours to soak into the pure blank canvas of innocence Bian Jin had so cherished. It was as if she were saying to some imagined version of Bian Jin: Fine, since you don’t want me anyway, why shouldn’t I corrupt myself?[1]
Now that she looked back on it, it did seem rather ridiculously childish. Still, it was lucky that she’d learned a thing or two about the facts of life. Otherwise neither of them would have any idea what to do now.
Shen Ni crumpled up another pink packet, opened it, and hooked out its contents using a broken stylus. She tossed the packaging into the wastebasket closest to the bed, followed by the sheath itself. Then she remained standing where she was, as if mulling something over.
‘What is it?’ asked Bian Jin.
‘Do you think two will be enough?’
‘Why not?’
Shen Ni held up two fingers. ‘Two means we did it twice.’
Bian Jin really did not care for this discussion, but it was a problem they urgently needed to resolve. ‘I had already guessed that,’ she said, looking affronted.
‘Only twice a night? That hardly seems like enough.’
Bian Jin was left momentarily speechless. She couldn’t possibly ask Shen Ni directly, ‘Well then, how many times a night would be enough?’ And besides, what might be ‘enough’ for most people might not be enough for Shen Ni.
A thought scraped across Bian Jin’s mind, and when she next spoke, her voice was dull and listless. ‘Just open however many packets you and your lovers usually use each night.’
Shen Ni was rather taken aback. She had not anticipated that Bian Jin’s thoughts would take such a turn. ‘Shijie,’ she said very earnestly, ‘I’ve never taken any lovers before.’
‘Oh?’ said Bian Jin. ‘If you say so.’
Shen Ni wasn’t sure what to say next. After all, she was the one who’d claimed to have several lovers in the past, she was the one who knew how to believably fake a love-bite, and she was even now explaining to Bian Jin the purpose of these little sheaths. Of course Bian Jin didn’t believe her — even she would have trouble convincing herself.
Well, she’d dug this pit herself, and now it only seemed to be growing deeper and deeper. There was no hope that she would ever be able to fill it up again.
Shen Ni tried again. ‘It’s the truth. I’ve never had any lovers before. I only said so because I was upset.’
Bian Jin looked up at her. ‘There’s no need to try to make me feel better. As long as you don’t have one now, that’s good enough for our purposes.’
Shen Ni bit back a sigh of exasperation. She wasn’t sure who she was more vexed at — herself, for those impulsive words, seeking unnecessarily to assert some sense of superiority in the most ridiculous way possible? Or Bian Jin, for being so completely obtuse?
Fine, she thought, and turned her attention back to the task at hand. She tore open another five or six of the little packets, tossing them and their contents into the wastebasket in the same way as before.
Bian Jin, who had been eyeing the number of packets, frowned. ‘I can’t use that many.’
‘I can,’ Shen Ni shot back, without even looking back at her.
Bian Jin choked. After a few moments’ thought, she said calmly, ‘Shimei, you already opened two packets earlier, and now you’ve added this whole pile. Surely that’s overdoing it. If the scene we set doesn’t look convincing, we’ll have gone to all this trouble for nothing.’
Shen Ni turned then, and gazed silently at Bian Jin for a few long moments. Then suddenly she walked over to the bed and stopped right in front of Bian Jin.
Bian Jin shifted slightly where she sat. She tilted her head back and looked right into Shen Ni’s face.
Shen Ni leaned closer to her, propping an arm against the bedframe. ‘Shijie, two women can do it as many times as they want a night. They can keep going all the way until daybreak.’
Shen Ni’s words were far too blunt, and she was standing much too close to Bian Jin for the latter’s comfort. Bian Jin turned her face away, averting her eyes from Shen Ni, and trying to conceal the fact that her ears had turned red-hot. She did not want to think about why Shen Ni knew so much about such things, or who Shen Ni might have made love to until the sun rose.
‘I see,’ she said, keeping her voice even. ‘Then we’ll do as you think best.’
Shen Ni, seeing that Bian Jin was not rising to the bait, reined in her thoughts and went on looking around the bedchamber, to see what else she could add.
Bian Jin reached into the wooden box and drew out a long string of silver beads. The beads were of different sizes, and a piece of pink lambskin was wrapped around one end, presumably for a better grip. She wasn’t completely sure how this contraption was meant to be used, but she had no wish to investigate it any further. All she needed to do was make sure it showed some signs of wear.
Bian Jin squeezed two of the smaller beads in the middle of the string between thumb and forefinger, squashing them slightly out of shape. Then she tugged at the string itself to loosen it, making it look as if it were frequently used, before tucking the whole thing back into the wooden box.
Shen Ni watched this sequence of events silently. For some reason, she felt herself beginning to go weak in the knees, and an ache was building up in her belly.
Once she’d arranged everything to her satisfaction, Bian Jin said, ‘It’s a rest day today, so the market quarter is bound to be busy. Let’s not allow our careful preparations go to waste.’ She pointed at the marks on her neck.
For a few moments, Shen Ni said nothing. It seemed as if her shijie wasn’t about to leave a few more markings on some other parts of her body after all. It’s fine, she thought. Let’s just say I took that bath solely for reasons of personal hygiene.
She murmured her assent to Bian Jin’s suggestion, and Bian Jin leaned forward to take a closer look at her throat.
The love-bite had, by now, turned completely purple. Bian Jin suspected that If she were to claim Shen Ni had taken the point of a sword in her neck, few people would disbelieve it.
Bian Jin had always known herself to be a formidable fighter, but it was only now that she realised she’d been just as aggressive when placing the mark on Shen Ni’s neck. She’d heard that it required a certain degree of strength to leave a love-bite on someone’s skin, and she’d done her best to control the amount of force she was exerting, but it seemed she’d still gone too far. Shen Ni’s neck was a much tenderer specimen than the ones she’d sundered so mercilessly on the battlefield.
‘Are you sure you want to go parading yourself around town with that on your neck?’ asked Bian Jin.
Wasn’t that your idea in the first place? though Shen Ni. Not wanting Bian Jin’s plan to fall through, however, she said out loud, ‘The more people see it, the better. Why would we have gone to all this trouble otherwise?’
Bian Jin had no reason to object, so the two of them got dressed and made themselves ready to go.
Just before they left the room, Shen Ni seemed to think of something. She filled a cup with water and brought it over to the bed.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Bian Jin, just as Shen Ni was about to tip it over the sheets.
Shen Ni paused. ‘To create evidence of an even more direct sort. Before I went to take my bath, I sent Auntie Wan off to the market for fresh provisions. In a few moments, I’ll tell one of the maids to come in here to tidy up and change the sheets. No matter who the spy turns out to be, word of the state the room is in will be sure to reach their ears.’
After nearly an hour of intensive ‘education’ in the ways of physical intimacy, Bian Jin was quick to grasp Shen Ni’s meaning. ‘But if we’re seen to do so much so soon after Prince Wei’s indictment against you, won’t that be rather too obvious?’ she asked.
Shen Ni shrugged. ‘We just need to leave enough evidence to stop the mouths of Prince Wei and his loyalists. The more obvious it is, the better.’
‘Mm,’ said Bian Jin.
Since Bian Jin seemed to have no objections, Shen Ni tilted the cup again, ready to splash its contents onto the sheets.
‘Spill it on your side of the bed,’ Bian Jin commanded.
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Author’s Note:
Shen Ni: Why do I keep digging myself in deeper *crying face emoji*
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Footnotes:
- In the original text, 破罐子破摔 (pinyin: po guanzi po shuai), literally ‘to smash a cracked pot’. The phrase originates from the 1948 novel The Hurricane (暴风骤雨, pinyin: baofeng zhouyu) by the novelist and translator Zhou Libo (周立波). It describes someone who, having discovered a defect in an object or a situation, gives up on remedying the matter and allows it to worsen. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 