Purely by Accident – Chapter 41
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When we finally left the palace, the princess chose of her own accord to come home with me. I had, with a complete and utter lack of dignity, pulled an affectedly long face, as if caught on the horns of a dilemma, and asked if she was returning to her own residence or mine. My darling wife’s first response was to roll her eyes at me, as if to say, ‘What do you think?’ Then, propping up her chin in both hands, she had fixed a long, clear, guileless gaze on me before pronouncing deliberately, ‘Whichever you’re returning to, of course. Wherever you go, I’ll go.’
That set my heart fluttering so hard I could barely remember what year it was.
Dusk had just fallen when we arrived at my residence. Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen were standing beneath the crooked, leafless scholar tree in the front courtyard, putting on a fine performance of gazing soulfully at each other.
I handed the princess down from the coach. She stood for a moment looking quietly at the pair of them, who seemed to be lost to everything but themselves. ‘Those two friends of yours look rather like a painting,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘The way they’re standing so still, without any of their usual antics.’
‘Oh?’ I asked with great interest, and gave her arm a little tug. ‘And what do you think such a painting should be named?’
The princess smiled and sketched a circle in the air with one delicate finger, encompassing both of my brothers-in-arms and the tree they were standing under. Her eyes were sparkling, and she seemed to be trying to repress a laugh as she said, ‘”A Scene from the Animal Kingdom — the Phoenix Seeks His Mate”.’[1]
Before I could break obsequiously into applause, however, the princess was already shaking her head, though the corners of her mouth were still upturned. ‘No, that’s not right,’ she murmured as if to herself. ‘How did I come to think of such a title, when they’re clearly both men?’
Oh, what antiquated views she had!
I put an arm around her waist, then leaned close to whisper in her ear, ”Tis not so, princess. Two phoenixes of the same sex may cleave together just as well — there’s no need for one to be male and the other female!’
Surprised, the princess turned to look at me. I puckered up my lips as if to kiss her, and she laughingly evaded it by tilting her head up. She reached out and pinched my nose lightly, her face lighting up with understanding, ‘You’re right.’
Just then, Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen finally ceased their long-drawn-out performance, which must have begun some considerable time before the princess and I arrived. They glanced in the direction of our voices, and their eyes, gleaming suggestively, fixed themselves with unerring precision on the arm I had placed around Chu Feichen’s slender waist.
The wind rose as their gazes swept over us; it felt a little cold. The princess did not move a muscle, so I too remained steadfastly unmoving.
Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen’s stares became even more salacious. They scurried up to us and made an obeisance to the princess. Then Xu Ziqi draped himself heavily over my shoulder and whispered, ‘You and saozi truly are a loving couple, dage. Why, look at you two — canoodling away as if you were all alone!’
I shoved him in the direction of Yi Chen’s arms. ‘Very kind of you to say so, but we’re hardly a match for you and Yi Chen, gazing so yearningly at each other that you seemed to be completely oblivious to the world!’
At that, Yi Chen, who had been about to catch hold of Xu Ziqi, faltered slightly and drew his arms back. Xu Ziqi stumbled, then simply plonked himself exaggeratedly onto the ground. He stared up at Yi Chen with wounded eyes that still contrived to have something of the rascal about them.
Chu Feichen chuckled. She leaned closer to me, her sweet breath tickling my ear. ‘Does that stronghold of yours specialise in producing cads and rascals? Xu Ziqi looks exactly like you when you’re trying to get out of trouble.’
Those words left an unpleasant taste in my mouth. A woman in love should always think of her beloved as unique — one of a kind. How could she accuse me of looking ‘exactly the same’ as somebody else?
I tightened my arm around her waist. ‘What do you mean, he looks exactly like me?’ I demanded. ‘How could that be? It’s impossible! No, take your eyes off him right now — I’m the only one you’re allowed to look at!’
The princess turned back to me. Her lips were still curved in a smile, and there was a gleam in her eye. Yet the gaze she fixed on me was completely serious, and also infinitely tender. A few moments later, she ruffled my hair and said, drawing out the final syllable indulgently, ‘Very well.’
My heart soaring, I turned to look with pretended interest at my brothers-in-arms, who were locked in a stand-off. Xu Ziqi had puffed up his handsome face, which made him look rather like a dashing pork and cabbage bao. Yi Chen’s pale, clean-cut visage, meanwhile, now wore a rather stiff, unnatural expression, which gave him no small resemblance to a bowl of soymilk that had been left out long enough for a skin to form on top of it.
A bao and a bowl of soymilk: they made for a rather good match.
‘A-Chen, don’t you want me anymore?’ Master Bao wailed, both looking and sounding plaintive. ‘I’ve been sitting here for so long, yet you still haven’t so much as offered me a hand up. It’s so cold, and the ground is absolutely freezing, and oh, my poor arse…’
Emotion rippled across Master Soymilk’s face. He seemed about to hold out a hand, then seemed to stop himself. ‘How could you utter such coarse words in front of the princess!’ he chided. ‘It is the height of impropriety!’
Chu Feichen coughed lightly, then said with grave dignity, ‘Don’t mind me. Pray continue. Pretend I’m not here.’
Thus emboldened, Xu Ziqi became even more brazen. ‘A-Chen, even Her Highness can see how you feel about me; there’s no need to conceal it any longer. I know you’re hopelessly devoted to me. Follow your heart — there can be no mistake! Face your feelings confidently; acknowledge them boldly. Come, help me up, and rest your head against my broad chest!’
Yi Chun clenched his jaw a few times before finally stepping forward to haul Xu Ziqi up. As he rose to his feet, Xu Ziqi took advantage of the movement to place a hand on Yi Chen’s shoulder, and grinned broadly at him. ‘A-Chen, oh A-Chen, I knew you couldn’t bear to leave me sitting on the ground like that!’
And now they were being just a little too nauseating. The princess and I began walking towards the house, my arm still around her waist.
Xu Ziqi followed on our heels, squawking away. ‘Dage, are you two really in such a hurry to get back to your room?’
The innuendo in those words was far too obvious. The princess looked back at Xu Ziqi and bestowed upon him a benevolent smile. ‘Ziqi, isn’t it? I’ve suddenly remembered, the position of watchman at my manor remains vacant, even after so many days. I would have you take up the role again as soon as possible. As for your A-Chen, there’s no need for him to go with you. He can stay right here, and reflect on his feelings with both confidence and boldness.’
The corner of Yi Chen’s mouth twitched, and Xu Ziqi’s face fell. ‘Your Highness, please think this over carefully!’ he begged. ‘For the love you bear my dage—’
Chu Feichen continued sauntering forwards with me in tow, completely unmoved.
Xu Ziqi let out a heartrending wail. ‘Princess, oh wonderful princess…’
Chu Feichen carried on walking.
‘Dasao, a-sao, oh wonderful a-sao…’[2]
The princess finally stopped. She looked over her shoulder, a smile blooming like a flower on her face. ‘Now that sounds much better.’
Xu Ziqi’s eyes lit up. ‘A-sao, wonderful a-sao!’ he repeated a few times, with even greater gusto. Finally, the princess waved a hand. ‘Fine, fine. You may both stay here. Two male phoenixes cleaving together — at least you’ll be able to keep each other warm over the winter!’
Oh, what a good, kind, understanding woman — my woman — Chu Feichen was.
The very next day, however, I soon began to regret stopping Chu Feichen from despatching Xu Ziqi summarily to her manor.
Chu Feichen had gone out to pay a call on the Second Princess, leaving me to sup forlornly on a bowl of red bean porridge with only my two idle brothers-in-arms for company. From his seat across the table, Xu Ziqi glanced lazily at me, then turned and spoke to Yi Chen. ‘A-Chen, have you noticed that dage has been in much higher spirits ever since he returned from the palace?’
Yi Chen nodded, an impish gleam in his eye. ‘Mm. Why do you think that might be?’
‘You really don’t understand, do you? How does that saying go? “A single encounter between the golden wind and jade dew / is worth more than countless nights in the mortal realm”.’[3]
‘Oh. And do we know exactly how many times the golden wind encountered the jade dew?’
Very calmly I managed to choke down the mouthful of porridge I’d been on the verge of spitting out. Then I heard Xu Ziqi say, ‘Based on my observations, it can’t be any less than this.’ He held up a hand with all five fingers spread out.
Yi Chen widened his eyes as if with sudden enlightenment. He reached out and clapped me on the shoulder. ‘You’re mighty indeed, dage!’
Just as one might have expected, I promptly spat the spoonful of porridge I’d just stuffed into my mouth all over Xu Ziqi’s face, making him look like a red bean bao that had burst and overflowed during steaming.
Xu Ziqi blinked at me, startled. ‘Did I guess too low?’ He held up both hands, with both palms outstretched. ‘Was it actually this much?’
Goaded beyond endurance, I slammed my bowl down on the table. ‘Are you two done?’
Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen exchanged looks. ‘He’s in a truly foul mood,’ Xu Ziqi proclaimed.
Yi Chen nodded. ‘Practically going berserk.’
Xu Ziqi frowned. ‘But why? There’s no reason for him to be, now that he’s won her over.’
Yi Chen stroked his chin. ‘Could it be that he’s won her body, but not her heart?’
I felt as if the veins in my forehead were about to explode.
Xu Ziqi winked at me, looking as if he’d come to an important realisation. ‘Badly done, dage, badly done. It’s important that you’ve managed to find your way into her bed, of course, but you need to win her heart as well! Making a woman yield to you by force — that falls well short of the standards of behaviour we would expect our chief to show his wife! Have you whispered sweet nothings into her ear? Taken her out at night to watch the moon and the stars? Presented her with a lover’s token?’
He gave this little speech with such grandiloquence that I was quite swept up in it. Gripping the handle of the spoon that lay in my bowl, I found myself musing, ‘A lover’s token?’
Chu Feichen had given me that jade pendant, but I had never really brought her any gifts, that was true.
Yi Chen elbowed me lightly. ‘That’s rather shabby of you, dage. If you haven’t presented her with a token of your love, how do you expect to bind her to you?’
That’s true, I thought. How shall I bind you to me, my beloved?
Xu Ziqi wiped some of the red bean porridge from his face. ‘Women are partial to jewels and the like. Just give her some earrings, or a gem-studded hairpin, and that should do the trick!’
Yi Chen curled his lip. ‘Do you think saozi is like those courtesans you frequent? As a royal princess, she’s no stranger to rare and precious jewels.’
‘Then what do you think he should give her?’
Yi Chen tilted his head first to one side and then to the other. ‘It is my considered opinion that you should write her a love letter brimming with passion,’ he told me. ‘Not only will that let you express your feelings for her, the document itself will serve as a token of your love as well, killing two birds with one stone. And it’s economical besides — an excellent gift indeed!’
Yi Chen had served as my strategist back at the stronghold. I’d grown used to adopting his suggestions, and this occasion was no exception. I sequestered myself away in my study and, a cup of tea and several visits to the outhouse later, managed to extrude something that could be called a love letter. As for whether it was ‘brimming with passion’, I read it over once and felt that it would do. This was what the letter said:
Feichen,
It’s me, Zisong. That probably seems like an unnecessary thing to say, but you haven’t seen my handwriting much, and you’re so wonderful, I’m sure many people must have sent you love letters before. If I don’t make it clear who I am, you might think this was from some other admirer, and end up transferring your affections to them instead.[4] That would be a loss greater than any I could bear. So this is the first thing I wanted to say to you: it’s Zisong, Wei Zisong. Will you remember that?
I would like very much to know whether it was my face or my name that first fixed itself in your memory. It must be the latter, surely? Every time you call my name — ‘Zisong, Zisong’ — I find myself wondering: how could such an ordinary name sound so meaningful, so profound, so tender and so full of yearning on your lips?
It must be because you’re Chu Feichen. For my part, and with some regret, I must confess that it was your face that fixed itself in my memory first, and it was only later that I learned your name. A long time after I met you, I thought to myself: when they abducted you and put you in my bed, was that what people call destiny?[5] My decision, years ago, to set up a stronghold on that mountain, your choice to visit the border regions of the empire — was it all so we could meet on that fateful day, which caught us both by surprise?
But you must not have seen it that way — at least, not on the day we met. I can still recall the scene: you, lying completely immobilised on that bed, glowering at me. You have no idea how pretty you looked then. And I’m sure you have no idea how much strength it took for me to stop myself from kissing you, after I’d held your hand and stroked your cheek. This perplexed me at the time as well. Thanks to Xu Ziqi, I’d seen plenty of women before, but none of them had ever roused the same desire in me. At the time, I’d explained it away rather narcissistically by telling myself that it must be because none of the other women I’d seen had been as beautiful as me, and now that I’d finally met someone better-looking, it stood to reason that I’d want to give you a thorough groping!
Oh, how ridiculous I was.
When you said you wanted me to come to the capital with you as your prince consort, I was unwilling at first. For some reason, my intuition told me I should stay far, far away from you, so that I would be safe. But when my father’s steward recounted all those rumours about you, they filled me with so much heartache that I found myself wanting to come closer and closer to you, the better to restore peace and tranquility to your world. Isn’t that a mass of contradictions?
At the time, I felt that my thoughts were very strange as well. Until I had that dream at the inn in Zhezhi City. They say dreams are a reflection of one’s innermost desires. So when I found myself holding you — embracing you — in that dream, shouldn’t I have interpreted that to mean: I love you, Chu Feichen?
Yes, I love you. When I think back on it, I cannot fix the hour at which that emotion came into being, but it has always run deep and true. If I did need to name a starting point, this is what I would gladly believe: that I fell in love with you at first sight. Yes, that’s perfect. And how thankful I am that the person I fell in love at first sight with was you.
And on that subject, I do very much regret that you were not the first person I ever fell in love with. If only I could have met you when we were both much younger, young enough that you still wore your hair in two little buns.[6] You could have called me ‘Zisong’ in your childish, piping little voice — how wonderful that would be. I promise, I would have taken your hand in mine right there and then, and never let it go. No matter how brightly Lin Haiyuan’s canine tooth gleamed, no matter how adorable it looked when he smiled, I would never have given him a single glance. If that was how things had been, can you promise me in turn that you would never have looked Zhao Yishu’s way, no matter how warm and indulgent his smile?
Oh, Feichen, Chu Feichen, I love you so much.
I often find myself thinking, if only you weren’t a princess of the Yan Empire, how good life would be. Do you like villages, small towns or cities? Would you prefer to stay within the empire’s borders or explore the plains beyond its westernmost frontier? Whatever your choice, if you weren’t a princess of the Yan Empire, I would take your hand, pull you up onto the back of my horse, and wander the whole of the realm with you, from the empire’s heartlands to the vast reaches north and south of the Great River. Oh, what bliss that would be!
This might seem like some distant mirage, but lately, I’ve begun to feel that it might become reality soon. When that day comes, shall we cast our cares away, and pursue our dreams hand in hand? What do you say?
***
Footnotes:
- In Chinese, 凤求凰, literally ‘the “feng” seeks the “huang”’. The ‘fenghuang’, often referred to as the Chinese phoenix, is a mythological bird that reigns over all other birds. Male phoenixes were originally called ‘feng’ and female phoenixes called ‘huang’. However, this distinction is now often not made, with the two genders being blurred into a single (usually feminine) entity. ‘The “feng” seeks the “huang”’ is a motif often found in depictions of romance, including a famous fu poem written by Tang Dynasty poet Sima Xiangru (司马相如) to his wife Zhuo Wenjun (卓文君) (see footnote 8 to Chapter 14). [return to text]
- ‘Dasao’ (大嫂) and ‘a-sao’ (阿嫂) are all variants on ‘saozi’, a term of address for one’s older brother’s wife (see footnote 4 to Chapter 3). [return to text]
- In Chinese, 金风玉露一相逢, 便胜却人间无数. This is a quotation from a ci poem by the Song Dynasty poet Qin Guan (秦观), set to the tune of ‘Immortal at the Magpie Bridge’ (鹊桥仙) (see footnote 10 to Chapter 8). [return to text]
- In Chinese, 为他人作嫁衣裳, literally ‘to make wedding clothes for someone else’. The saying originates from the shi poem ‘An Impoverished Woman’ (贫女, also translated as ‘A Poor Woman’ or ‘A Poor Girl’) by the Tang Dynasty poet Qin Taoyu (秦韬玉). It describes someone who labours ceaselessly on the behalf of others, to no benefit to themselves. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 缘分. Variously translated as ‘fateful coincidence’, ‘destiny’ or ‘affinity’, the concept refers to a kind of subjectively perceived chance by which people are brought together. [return to text]
- In Chinese, 两角, literally ‘two horns’. This describes a hairstyle historically worn by children, consisting of a bun on each side of one’s head, worn fairly high. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 