Purely by Accident – Chapter 37
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Although I had always known that Chu Feichen was a woman of action, I had still underestimated the lightning speed with which she capable of responding. The very evening after she returned to her own manor, and before the sky had fully darkened, she had already relieved Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen of their duties as her watchmen and despatched them back to my residence.
It was likely because she found me so repugnant, I reflected, that anything and anyone with the slightest connection to me had become tainted by association, and that was why she’d rid herself of them. Out of sight, out of mind, as the saying went. This was an emotion I fully understood.
Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen both exulted at having regained their freedom, and for the next few days, their antics made my residence seem even merrier than it had been when the princess was still living there.
I had been disappointed in love, that was all, I told myself. I could still eat, I could still sleep, and now I could even devote all of my attention to my career. I took to spending long hours at the Hanlin Academy — it became practically my second home — and all the whitebeards there fell over themselves to compliment me on my studiousness and diligence. I received their praise with equanimity as well as a faint sense of unworthiness. I reported dutifully to the Hanlin Academy every day for a simple reason: whatever I went, whatever I did, it was all the same to me. Besides, the gaily decorated bridal chamber at home really didn’t suit my sensibilities, which were all for plain, elegant simplicity. And so, when the hour grew late, I would sometimes spend the night in one of the side chambers at the Hanlin Academy. This was one of my perquisites as a civil servant of this august empire, after all. Why shouldn’t I take advantage of everything Chu Feichen’s family had to offer?
The looks Lin Haiyuan threw my way at the Hanlin Academy became more apprehensive with each passing day. I speculated darkly that this was because, while both of us were exerting ourselves in service to our country every day — and, indeed, his exceptional talents meant that has exertions were rather more fruitful than mine — I, the counterfeit prince consort, was the only one the whitebeards ever praised. This must have given Lin Haiyuan a deeper insight into the evils of our accursed class system. The thought that such a fine, principled young man should be so tormented by the injustices of this world pained me greatly.
The winter’s first snowfall came, and I seized upon it as an excuse for inviting Lin Haiyuan to my residence, suggesting that we should admire the beauty of the snow-covered grounds together. I planned to use it as an opportunity for offering him some words of edification.
Lin Haiyuan arrived just as the snow had stopped falling. The whole world seemed to be encased in a ball of silver-white, and the air was crisp and fresh. I was drinking tea in the main hall, with a basin of coals burning merrily next to me. Through the open doors, I could see Lin Haiyuan as he waded his way through the snow. He paused beneath the plum tree that stood just outside the main hall and beamed at me. ‘Zisong,’ he said. The delicate beauty of the blossoms that dotted the tree were a perfect complement to that warm, gentle smile.
For no reason at all, I gave an inward sigh. He was such a good man, yet I could not love him.
Lin Haiyuan hurried up to take the hot cup of tea I was holding out, but was in no rush to drink it, only holding it in his hands to warm them. I watched as he brought the cup up to his face and breathed out a great plume of steam. ‘Xiao Lin Zi, you’re the only one who ever calls me ‘Zisong’ these days, with no qualms about seeming overly familiar,’ I told him, smiling. ‘With everyone else, it’s ‘prince consort’ this and ‘Your Highness’ that — such a bother.’
His smile wavered slightly. Taking a quick look around, he asked, ‘Where is the princess? Is she not here?’
At that question, I felt the reflexive urge to frown, which I managed to quell — with some effort — by raising my eyebrows. Then, recalling that I’d invited Lin Haiyuan here for the purposes of edification, I allowed the frown to settle on my face after all, even exaggerating it a little, and completed the effect with a rueful smile. ‘The princess is no ordinary woman. Of course one could hardly expect to find her cloistered at home, working away at her embroidery and tending to her husband.’[1] I gave him a quick sideways glance to see how he took this, then added obliquely, ‘Xiao Lin Zi, a prince consort’s life may look glamorous from the outside, but the truth is much less… splendid than that. Do you understand me?’
Unexpectedly, Lin Haiyuan’s own brows drew into a frown. His dark eyes fixed themselves on me. ‘Zisong, does being prince consort make you unhappy? You seem to be getting thinner each time I see you, and you’ve been working like mad at the Hanlin Academy every day. The Eldest Princess… is she treating you well?’
The hand I was holding my cup with trembled only slightly, but inside my heart was roiling. So all this while, Lin Haiyuan’s looks of anguish hadn’t been silent protests at the injustices of life after all, but a reflection of his troubled heart. Troubled, I now knew, for me — your feckless, good-for-nothing bandit chief, so weak that she trembled at the simple question, ‘The Eldest Princess… is she treating you well?’
There was nothing I could say. I forced myself to smile at him, put down my cup, then took him by the arm and led him out of the main hall and into the grounds. ‘Let’s not talk further of trivial matters,’ I told him, pointing at the silver world around us. ‘See how lovely the snow is!’
Lin Haiyuan gave me a pat on the shoulder. As I turned to smile at him, I thought I glimpsed a figure disappearing behind a plum tree in the distance, where the garden path turned a corner. Their robes brushed against the boughs of the tree as they did, and sent some of the snow that had gathered there tumbling to the ground.
I screwed my eyes shut and shook my head. I really had been dazzled by the snow. What would the princess be doing here?
It was the twenty-ninth day of the twelfth month when the princess finally made an appearance. Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen, their carousing curtailed by the harsh weather, had finally decided to show some solicitude towards me, their erstwhile chief — who, in Xu Ziqi’s words, was ‘looking more and more like a consumptive beauty by the day’.
My encounter with the princess took place at the main entrance to my residence. Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen had each taken hold of one of my arms, and were trying like grim death to drag me out of the front gates. I, for my part, refused to budge a single inch; I made it clear that I’d rather die.
Xu Ziqi was exasperated. ‘The princess no longer wants you, so what’s the point of you staying chaste for her?’ he demanded, his voice booming loud enough to reach the heavens. He tugged even more forcefully at my arm. ‘Let me take you to Chunyi House, and we’ll find some pretty girls to sing a few songs and share a few cups of wine with you. You’ll soon forget what the princess’ name is, or what she even looks like, I guarantee it!’
‘Oh?’ came a new voice, drawing that syllable out into a veritable labyrinth of tones, and dragging my heart up and down with each modulation. I didn’t even have to look to know that it was the princess — who else would have the power to do that to me?
Still, I couldn’t help turning to gaze in the direction of her voice. The princess, clad in pure white furs, was standing by her coach, her back as straight as a ramrod. Her expression was as cold as the icicles that hung from the frame of the gate. Just by standing there, she somehow contrived to make her dazzling backdrop of brilliant white snow seem somewhat lacklustre.
Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen let go of my arms. I sighed as the three of us bowed deeply to the princess. ‘Your Highness!’ we chorused.
The princess acted as if I wasn’t even there. She was looking only at Xu Ziqi, her lips quirking in a faint, wry smile. ‘And what do you think would be a fitting punishment for inciting the prince consort to visit a brothel?’ she asked.
A shiver ran through Xu Ziqi’s burly frame.
I felt that Chu Feichen was being excessively petty. All I had done was punch the man she fancied — just once! — and that had been quite some time ago now. But not only had she seemingly decided that she would never have anything to do with me again, here she was now, seizing upon a minor matter she would otherwise not have cared a jot about, simply as an excuse to vent her frustrations on a friend of mine. This was beyond the pale!
So I hauled Xu Ziqi behind me and stepped forward to face her directly, cupping my hands respectfully in front of me. ‘There is no need for you to use this as a pretext for punishing my friend, Your Highness. Visiting Chunyi House was entirely my idea. The two of them were simply going along with it as a show of respect, to give their chief some face. If this has caused Your Highness any dissatisfaction, Your Highness is free to take it out on me. I’ll accept any punishment, whether it be a telling off, a beating, a suspension of my official’s salary, or dismissal from my position altogether.’
Chu Feichen’s ramrod straight figure swayed slightly, and she finally looked at me. Her gaze held a too-complex mixture of emotions — there was something like surprise, something like disappointment, and something like anger. And the very depths of her eyes seemed to hold a trace of something… almost like hatred?
My heart quivered within my chest.
And now the atmosphere had become distinctly strained. Xu Ziqi and Yi Chen, who had been lurking behind me, doing their best to pretend they were invisible, finally beat a retreat, shuffling noisily across the snow. The princess didn’t stop them. She only stood there motionlessly, looking at me. All her majestic disdain of a moment ago had vanished, and the silver-white snowscape she had outshone so effortlessly now threatened to overwhelm her. There was suddenly something fragile about her slender figure.
I had never seen her like this before. An ache spread through every single inch of every single crevice of my heart, and I had to grit my teeth and dig my fingernails into my palms to stop myself from gathering her into my arms and comforting her with the softest, most soothing words I could think of. I wasn’t the one she needed — I had never been the one she needed. So what right do I have to take all your losses and sorrows upon my shoulders, to make sure you live the rest of your life free of trouble and care?
That single punch I’d given Zhao Yishu, I suddenly felt, had been nowhere near enough. That bastard. What earthy reason could he have for letting go of such a wonderful woman as Chu Feichen?
Yes. Although I was still feeling resentful, although I was feeling hard done by, I had to admit that Chu Feichen was indeed a wonderful woman — so wonderful that I would have willingly gone to loftiest heights of the heavens and the furthest reaches of the earth just to win a smile from her. What a shame that this wonderful woman did not belong to me — could never belong to me.
I relaxed my fists and said gently to her, ‘Your Highness, the wind is chill, and we can feel every gust of it out here in the open. If there is something you would like to tell me, why don’t we speak inside?’
Chu Feichen seemed to come back to herself suddenly. She drew her furs more closely about her, and her gaze wandered away to some point in the distance. ‘There’s no need,’ she said emotionlessly. ‘Tonight, my lord father will be holding a family banquet at the palace. As prince consort, your presence is expected. And as for your evening of wine and song with the ladies of the pleasure quarter, well’ — here she paused, and looked straight at me again — ‘I fear you may have to postpone it for a little while.’
There was contempt in her gaze, and a little mockery. An icy gust blew past, making my nose sting and bringing a lump to my throat.
The banquet that night took place in the palace’s Dikun Hall. Warm, rosy basins of coal had been placed all around the room, and their light lent my imperial father-in-law’s face a healthy glow. ‘This is a family affair, so there’s no need to stand on ceremony,’ he assured us. ‘You should all drink to your heart’s content — in fact, nothing would please me more than to see you inebriated!’
Even before the last words had quite left his lips, Chu Feichen — who was sitting beside me — had already downed the contents of her winecup, and was holding it out to be refilled. I stared at her cup, feeling worried. Hadn’t the empress dowager herself told me how much concern this granddaughter’s wilfulness had caused her? Why was she so obedient to her father’s instructions tonight?
Zhao Yishu, who was sitting opposite us next to the Third Princess, looked over. His eyes were filled with the deepest, most profound concern. It was then that I realised what the princess was doing. Drowning your sorrows, Chu Feichen? Can’t you come up with something a little more original?
By the time we were halfway through the banquet, the dishes of food in front of Chu Feichen remained practically untouched, but she’d already drunk cup after cup of wine. I glanced at the little maidservant beside her, whose movements were looking more and more laboured each time she refilled the princess’ cup. A sigh escaped me, and I reached out to put a hand over the cup. ‘Princess, you shouldn’t drink any more,’ I told her quietly.
Chu Feichen looked up at me, one eyebrow raised. Her cheeks were flushed, and the wine had made her eyes mist over a little mysteriously, like a steam-wreathed hot spring in the middle of a verdant forest. Then she leaned closer to me, and parting her red lips, asked, ‘Wei Zisong, what is my name?’
The fragrance of the wine she’d been drinking, the scent that belonged to her alone — I felt as if I’d been enveloped in a heady cloud of perfume. She had propped up her head with one hand, and was swaying back and forth, looking as if she might fall over at any moment. I clenched my jaw, then leaned forward and put a steadying arm around her waist. ‘Princess, you’re drunk.’
Chu Feichen refused to let her question slide. Seizing hold of my collar, she demanded again, ‘Wei Zisong, what is my name?’
She really was drunk — so drunk she’d forgotten her own name! All I could do was go along with it. ‘Chu Feichen, your name is Chu Feichen,’ I said in low soothing tones. ‘Be good, and don’t drink any more, all right?’
She seemed to sober up abruptly. Shoving me aside, she held up her cup, which the maidservant obligingly refilled. ‘Who do you think you are,’ she mumbled, ‘to stop me from doing as I wish?’
…That was the truth. I readjusted my expression, then picked up a full cup of wine and downed it myself. It was rich and mellow — a far cry from the harshness of more common, less refined vintages.
Zhao Yishu came up to us, a winecup in his hand, and gestured at me. ‘Wei xiong, what happened when we last saw each other in the palace grounds was entirely my fault. I lost my head and offended you. Please accept this humble cup of wine as a token of my contrition. I hope you will be able to forgive me, Wei xiong, generous soul that you are.’
I didn’t know how to respond. Ordinarily, I would simply have thrown the cup of wine back into his face. But now we were inside the palace, and in the emperor’s presence. Even if I didn’t care what anyone else thought, Chu Feichen certainly did.
I started to reach out, only for Chu Feichen to press my hand firmly back down. She stared at Zhao Yishu, an enigmatic half-smile on her face. ‘You attacked my prince consort, Commander Zhao. Do you really think that can be resolved with a single cup of wine?’
Zhao Yishu’s hand shook a little. His fine, noble features crumpled in dejection.
I felt very ill at ease. Whatever loves and hatreds were seething beneath the surface of this little encounter, they lay strictly between the two of them — why had I, an innocent bystander, been dragged into it as well? It was bad enough that I’d lost my heart — and, truth be told, much of my wits — to the princess. Was I to be forced to witness their extended lovers’ quarrel played out before me as well?
And so, with a certain amount of malice, I took up what Chu Feichen had just said and expanded upon it. ‘One cup of wine does seem rather half-hearted, Zhao xiong,’ I said in a clear, ringing voice. ‘If your apology truly is sincere, not even five cups of wine would be too much for you, would they?’
The princess’ hand remained firmly on top of mine. Zhao Yishu’s eyes dimmed slightly. He instructed the little maid to place five cups in a row and fill them. Then, without saying anything more, he downed them one after the other. A few drops of wine ran down his lips, like someone’s tears.
I sighed. Was this suffering worth it?
The princess didn’t let go of my hand; she was still holding it when the banquet ended. The emperor suggested that she stay at the palace for the night, on account of having had too much to drink. His shrewd, bright eyes roamed over mine and the princess’ joined hands for a long moment, and he smiled. ‘A loving pair of newlyweds indeed,’ he said. ‘Wonderful, wonderful.’
I found this rather mortifying, and wondered whether I should stay. But in the end, concerned that Chu Feichen might not be steady enough on her feet to make her own way safely to her old quarters, I let her drag me all the way there.
At the threshold to her rooms, she finally let go of my hand and waved away the little entourage of servants who had accompanied us there, dismissing them. She pushed open the door and stumbled inside. I stood stock-still where I was, unsure what to do.
Chu Feichen turned to look at me. There was doubt in her face, and a little surprise. ‘Aren’t you coming in?’ she asked, and her voice held something like… coquetry?
What was going on here?
I decided all that wine must have gone straight to the poor girl’s head, and made her forget that we were no longer even living in the same home. To forestall the tragic scene of her kicking me out of bed when she woke up sober the next day, I gave her a well-intentioned reminder. ‘Princess, shouldn’t we be… sleeping in separate rooms?’
Her expression turned instantly into ice. ‘Wei Zisong, you—’
She broke off, seemingly from exasperation, and stamped her foot. ‘Are you coming in or not?’ she demanded, and now her tone had turned impatient.
I went on staring at her.
Chu Feichen’s expression softened suddenly. She stepped back out through the door, and reached up and stroked my cheek. ‘You’re so petty,’ she grumbled, her low voice practically curling about my ears. ‘It’s because of that slap I gave you, isn’t it? That was more than a month ago. How long do you plan on being out of temper with me for?’
Before I could muster up a response, she leaned closer to my ear, and those sweet lips pressed gently against my cheek. ‘I was very angry at the time too, but it was wrong of me to hit you. If you’re still aggrieved, Zisong, I’m willing to accept a punishment. How about that?’
Her eyes were filled with tenderness, but the sight only made my heart ache painfully. Chu Feichen, you silly girl, why lower yourself so far for someone as insignificant as me?
I drew back a little and made my expression neutral. ‘If blame is to be apportioned, then the initial fault lies with your humble servant. I shouldn’t have punched General Zhao. I’ve always known how much Your Highness esteems General Zhao—’
The princess’ expression underwent a series of changes. Understanding seemed to dawn on her face, then something like disbelief spread over it. ‘Wei Zisong, did you really think I slapped you because of Zhao Yishu?’ she demanded, her voice rising.
I curled my lip.
She took a step closer to me, and now her tone was pure menace. ‘So you’ve been holding a grudge against me all this while, because of Zhao Yishu. What did you promise me before? “Don’t believe anything anyone else tells you about me. Only trust what you hear from my own mouth”. I said that to you, and you said yes. Have you kept your promise?’
‘But you haven’t told me anything,’ I stammered.
‘Is this how you think of me?’ Chu Feichen demanded. ‘Do you really believe I would be canoodling with you while silently pining away for Zhao Yishu? Such confidence you must have in me, Wei Zisong!’
She turned as if to walk away, then looked back over her shoulder. ‘Wei Zisong, what right do you have to doubt me?’ she said. Her voice was weightless, almost powerless, as if all her strength had been exhausted by her speech earlier. ‘When you and that childhood friend of yours were out snowgazing with your arms around each other’s shoulders, did you think of me? When you made plans to visit that pleasure house with your brothers-in-arms, what did you expect me to do?
For just a moment, I thought I glimpsed a crystalline tear at the corner of her eye. My heart was filled half with anguish, half with regret. She began to walk away, and my body moved faster than my mind. I rushed forward and wrapped my arms around her, so tightly that it was as if I were trying to meld her into my very soul.
Chu Feichen struggled violently. ‘Wei Zisong, let go of me!’
I hung on to her with all my strength, burying my face into her shoulder. ‘I won’t. This time, no matter how many slaps you give me, I’ll never let you go again!’
‘You reprobate!’ She elbowed me viciously in the stomach. I let out a grunt, but refused to loosen my grip even a single inch. Pressing my lips against her the back of her neck, I set about the task of soothing her as painstakingly as I knew how. ‘Princess, it was all my fault. Please don’t be angry anymore.’
Chu Feichen finally began to calm down, although her chest was still heaving with the lingering remnants of her outburst.
I turned her around to face me and patted her gently on the back. ‘All right, let’s not be upset anymore. Wei Zisong is a fool who doesn’t know what’s good for her, and it’s not worth losing your temper over someone like that. Good girl… would you like a drink of water?’
Chu Feichen stared at me for a long moment out of still-reddened eyes. Then she gripped my ear and twisted it forcefully. ‘You’re so wicked! Wei Zisong is the worst, wickedest woman in the world—’
Oh, princess. It was wholly unforgivable of me to have made you so sad, to have made you feel so humbled. Rocking her gently back and forth, I asked, ‘Are you cold? Let’s go inside. Then you can punish me any way you like — whatever sentence you hand out, I’ll accept it whole-heartedly!’
Chu Feichen glared at me, then turned and stepped back inside her quarters. When I tried to follow her, she made as if to shut the door. ‘Didn’t you say we should sleep in separate rooms? Why are you trying to come in?’
Oh, those words I’d flung at her without meaning them in the least, all for the sake of my worthless pride!
Hurriedly I reached out and propped the door open. ‘When did I ever say anything like that?’ I asked, grinning broadly. ‘You must have misheard, my wonderful goddess — it’s so windy, after all.’
‘Oh?’ Chu Feichen lifted an eyebrow. She was gazing at me so seductively that my heart turned into a puddle of mush. ‘Very well. You may come in — but only if you say the right words.’
Oh no. There are so many words and combinations of words in the world. Exactly which do you want to hear, Chu Feichen, my darling girl?
She waited patiently, smiling.
Hers was the face I dreamed of every night. I gazed into it for a long time, then, overcome by emotion, I reached out and caressed her cheek. ‘Chu Feichen,’ I declared softly, ‘I love you.’
Her smile was so devastatingly beautiful it could have toppled cities; it could have toppled whole countries.[2]
From inside the doorway, Chu Feichen stretched out a most ravishing hand and drew me firmly into the room. Your wine-addled bandit chief stumbled unsteadily as she crossed the threshold. The force of the movement propelled me forward, sending my face straight into Chu Feichen’s soft, fragrant bosom. My arm found its way upwards and wrapped itself around her slender waist. I looked up at her and smiled.
‘You smell so good,’ I sighed.
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Footnotes:
- In Chinese, the chengyu 相夫教子, namely ‘support one’s husband and educate one’s children’. The chengyu originates from the Analects (see footnote 2 to Chapter 16), and describes the traditional view of the woman’s place in the home. [return to text]
- In Chinese, the chengyu 倾国倾城. The chengyu originates from the Book of Han (汉书), the second of China’s official dynastic histories, compiled by the Eastern Han historian, poet and politician Ban Gu (班固). It describes a woman so beautiful that she is capable of bringing about the downfall of a country, whether by leading its monarch and/or its political elites into a life of dissipation, by persuading them to embark on foolhardy endeavours and/or by sowing discord among them. [return to text]
douqi 随笔 